Home for the Holidays

Christmas and the Holidays are such a wonderful time of the year.  But though they are beautiful, they are also painful.  Beyond the simultaneous joy of giving gifts and the pain of an empty wallet, Christmas is a reminder of who you were.  You return home, maybe just to your parent's house, for me to my home town, and you that causes you to reflect on your past and also, what you've accomplished.  I've been on such a journey since moving away from Arkansas three years ago. I'm not who I used to be, so who am I now? And where am I? Am I where I thought I would be at this point. Not at all. I don't have a successful acting career in Chicago or a Masters of Fine Arts from Italy.  But ultimately I'm proud of what I've done, and what I am doing now.  Pleased, but poignant.

Plus, there is always a little bit of longing in everyone to go back home, and really to go back in time and live the beauties of the past.  Visiting at Christmas brings these feelings to the forefront of your mind as you visit old haunts and old friends. At home, life is comfortable and the relationships you have with people extend so long into years past.  I miss those easy times with those easy friendships.

And this may seem petty, but catching up with people requires listing your recent accomplishments.  What are they?  Are they good enough?  Not for your old friends or family, but for you.  Accomplishments don't always mean a lot to people, but they mean a lot to me.  So, as you assess your current life, you wonder about the future, and if you're on the right path.  Are you working hard enough?  Is it worth it?

As I think about the parties and wonderful times to come this week, I simultaneously smile and am sad.  For, what I have lost cannot be regained. And I guess... I really wouldn't want it to.  That's part of the smiles. That I still have people that I love no matter how far we are from one another 360 days a year.

I'm so much more alone in Chicago than I am in Little Rock, or even than I was in Italy.  Actually, I was almost never alone in Italy because people were always stopping by and knocking on my window for something (very bothersome at the time!).  Will I ever form the kind of family in Chicago that I have in those places?  I have 3 or 4 families in the world, and my Chicago family is a bit more distant, busier, independent. I'm lonely I guess. And ready to come home for the holidays where there is an abundance of love and cheer.

Thus, my simultaneous excitement, pleasure, and pain.  Christmas is such a complicated time of the year.

Inner Body Experience

Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? You know, where you are watching yourself walk around and do stuff like pick your nose? Yeah, me neither. But! last night I had a rather interesting "inner body experience."  What does this mean, Courtney? What is this like? Well, I'm sure you've all experienced it on some level before; maybe when you are laying in bed trying to sleep but you can't.  You realize there is a disconnect between how tired your body is and how your mind is awake and unable to sleep.  Last night this happened to me, but in a very powerful and distinct way.  My body was laying there, and my mind, my personality, my brain and soul were floating around, trapped, inside of my skull.  

This is particularly interesting to me because ever since I began more advanced acting training, the idea of NO separation between your mind and body is thrown at you all the time. And I genuinely believe it to be true in many ways--- when you're stressed, you feel it physically for example.  

So, here I was having this complete awareness of my "self" alive and awake and moving, and it was inside of this body that was very tired.  I could still move my limbs and stuff, but that was the body portion of my "self."  Very hard to conceptualize.

This morning I went to a free class of Hot Yoga.  If you haven't heard of Hot Yoga before (also called Bikram Yoga for the guy who invented it), it's basically doing yoga in a 100 degree room.  And when it's 16 degrees outside, this temperature difference is dramatic, trust me!  So, I have a week of free classes at this studio 5 minutes away from my house, and I wanted to start off with Hot Yoga, because I've taken it before, and it made me feel very powerful. I get there early, lay on the ground to acclimate my body to temperature, and try to relax into my breathing.  But I was way too excited for this class to really relax! So, when the teacher comes in, she says, "Whatever has happened to you this morning, let it roll off of you."  Well, I had a lovely morning, so I had nothing to release. But then she said, "Think of whoever you want to dedicate the next 75 minutes to, and give yourself to them."  Well, this may sound selfish, but I knew immediately that this slice of time would be wholeheartedly dedicated to one half of myself: my body (which isn't really selfish considering the separation we had just experienced. Did I say we? Uh...).  Class was tough, as your first few classes of Hot Yoga are supposed to be.  It's just so hot, and the intense breathing rhythm makes you get really lightheaded and sometimes nauseous.  So, I had to sit out several times, but then you just get back up and join in. It was great-- a real workout, and also not a workout at all.  It's all about stretching, and challenging yourself, but not about doing the right steps or breathing really hard.  I loved it. I am totally addicted.  Plus, the teacher comes over to correct your positioning with lovely massage like touches.  Ahh...

At the end, after working so hard for my body, you lay on the ground with the lights off and just breath.  Which feels oh-so-good. And the teacher came over and massaged the center of my forehead, which I know is some sort of chakra, and instantly my "self", my mind, woke up!  It was like she pushed a button.  And my mind was buzzing with energy and satisfaction.  It glowed.  It was remarkable.

And now all day I've felt mentally ecstatic! My body is a little tired, and I'll be a little sore, but hopefully I can go back tomorrow.  Afterall, the free week only last for 6 more days, and I sure as hell can't afford the whole membership yet. So, I better enjoy the heat while I can.  Next time I want to try Vinyasa though...

Goals

In my life as a theatre artist, I have swung back on forth on the likelihood of ever achieving my goals.  And my goals have of course, altered over the years.  At first, I wanted to be on screen in movies or TV. Then, as I got some experience doing work behind the camera, I realized I didn't find it appealing at all.  Then, I wanted to be a successful actress in one city. I wanted to make contacts and then get regular work because people learned that I was good. But after living here for a while, I understood that it was going to take me a very long time to do that.  And I also realized that I wasn't willing to act in just anything anymore.  I don't always find someone exciting in every script as I used to, and I am afraid to get work with a horrible company again (anyone remember Much Ado about Nothing?). So, now I'm a selective, unknown, mediocre actress whose half-assedly writing a play, and getting rejected from every box office and theatre job out there.  So, of course I'm still doing science, early childhood education.

I looked into grad schools again last week, and I am both excited by the programs I see and afraid that I won't get into any that I like.  I'm also beginning to doubt my interest in acting.  Do I even really like it anymore or do I just like theatre in general now?  Or do I want to direct?  Should I pursue an MFA in directing?  I think it might be more marketable for a teaching job, but I'm not sure.

I really just want to be a theatre professor.  Really, a whole, whole lot.  It is reportedly even more difficult to get a Theatre Professor position than it is to get an acting gig.  And I don't have a very high success rate for booking gigs, so am I just setting myself up for failure? I hope not, because when I think about teaching early childhood science classes long term I am sickened by my future.  I can do so much more! And yet I recognize how I am especially suited for that job, and that is why I keep getting employed doing it. Whereas, as an actress I cannot sing, dance, play an instrument, or do acrobatics, so I am not particularly well-suited to it.

So, I could either ceaselessly pursue a career I am not suited for, or I could accept my destiny to teach little kids about science and nature. For, now I'm still going to be ceaseless. But I don't like it!

Oh, the other option is to become a theatre SCHOLAR, which I think that I am suited for, but that kinda sounds SUCKY.  It is however, a very valid option to consider.

And mixed into all that existential thinking, is my utter disappointment for my auditions lately and for a lot of the theatre I have seen since returning. I have seen joy light a group of children new to the theatre and old people who only have theatre left.  I know it is powerful. But I am driven to create something that I know is greater.  And at the same time the fear of failure holds me back.

But I also have home goals too.  I want to fancy up my house like a real grown-up, and throw dinner parties all the time--- which I kind of do...-- and I want another dog and other grown up things. And I want my KSL job to become regular. Oh, did I mention I got a raise? I now get paid $20 an hour to write children's programming. Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah... it is, I guess.

Anyway, that was a very wandering and non-linear blog. Sorry about that! I gotta go vacuum the candy store now.  Gotta get home and cook some Butternut Squash Lasagna for Lindsay and E!

October in Chicago

Perhaps my favorite month of the year, October is beautiful to experience anywhere in the Northern Hemisphere.  Humidity drops, breezes become blustery, and of course, the leaves are brilliant.  We had a historically powerful wind storm this week, and I was dreading the empty branches that would be left behind.  Luckily though, the Honey Locusts, Ginkgoes, and the Maples weren't ready to leg go yet. This month we've had chilly days and balmy days, and everything in between.  The weather has been fun.

Other things to report this month are that Phil got a job at Gino's East Pizza-- the place famous for Chicago Deep Dish pizza.  It's really high traffic place, with cheapo European tourist customers, with bad management, but with GREAT money.  He's hoping to work there intensely through Christmas, and then sort of phasing it out. I am working two jobs, Sucker's Candy and Kids Science Lab.  I just got a raise at KSL! The most significant I have ever gotten.  I'm stoked about it, and it makes me feel really good about the work I have been submitting.

Theatre-wise I have seen some much better theatre this month, and I have been networking at both Red Tape Theatre and the House.  I really respect both of those companies, and I would love to work for them.  It was great to visit with some of my old cast mates and other people involved in Enemy of the People at Red Tape. I forgot how cool they all were.

I've some serious ups and downs this month, but overall it's going better than I expected.  Chicago never fails me and Phil. No exciting Halloween plans though which is the only bummer.  Chicagoans just don't know how to celebrate holidays.   It's all about the House parties, ya know! Speaking of houses, Phil and I think our apartment is super cute still, but waaaay too dark and our upstairs neighbor is a NIGHTMARE.  When I met him and called him Dennis the Menace I didn't realize how accurate a title that was.  Making dog collars all night long, constantly barking dog, idiotic prattle everytime I walk out the door.... I'm gonna kill him.

I have a deadline for my play this Sunday that I likely will not make, but I think I'll try tomorrow.  I only have to submit the first ten pages, and it's just for a developmental process.  It's in terrible shape right now though.... I have some serious work to do.  The more I learn about Moses the more I get confused about what I want.

So, that's an update about what's up with me.  I will hopefully have my winter boots fixed and all my coats cleaned before it gets too cold here!

Grow Up, You Little Bitch

Quit dreaming. Take responsibility for your actions.  Keep track of money that you spend.  Sometimes you just have to do things that you don't want to do. Nothing is perfect.


Just grow up. You've spent the last year gallivanting all over the world, racking up tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, and now you can't handle your shit when you're back in the real world.  Right where you claimed that you wanted to be.  So what if your job makes you anxious, and who cares if your boss micromanages you.  He's given you all the flexibility in the world, make it work.  And why exactly are you surprised when your vocal and dance skills still come up short? It's not like you've been taking lesson. You have to work on things to get better at them. For that matter, you have to work on things for them to get done.  You can't just Facebook the day away and somehow get all of your programming written, and you'll have gotten back on top of writing your play.

So now you're stressed out, broke, and trying to support three + deal with some heavy student loans--- exactly where you knew you were going to be--- and you're upset about it?  Well, suck it up.  Because there are a lot of people in the world who have it a lot worse off than you, and frankly you are the only problem here.  Get over yourself, admit that you should do anything and everything the client asks of you, and do some fucking work.  Then you can pay bills, be less stressed, and be emotionally stable enough to work on your script.

Just grow the fuck up.

Pleasures

you're like a deep, long-awaited sigh
or a teardrop as it breaks the cusp of my eye.
you're like the last, crisp page of my favorite book.
a hug with my face buried in your neck-crook.
a kiss with soft, supple lips,
or when you rub my back with just your finger tips.
you're like the water which encloses me at the bottom of the pool,
the silent relief from the summer's burning tool.
you're the bitter-sweet mouthful of a really great beer
and you're the breeze in my hair when the sky is blue-clear.

you're the good things in life that balance the bad.
you're the pleasures that banish the sad.

Sono Pronta

Since my final day of performance in April, I have essentially been on summer vacation. Except this vacation was unlike any other I have ever experienced. Instead of instantly transitioning from full-time student to full-time employee, working this summer just wasn't an option for me.

For the first six weeks of summer I was stuck in Europe, waiting on Phil to wrap up his job. Luckily we got to take the trip of our lives while we were there. Barcelona, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Torino: These cities and the culture we witnessed in them will forever affect our perspectives of the world. I gave myself the job of writing the play that's been under my skin for the past three years, and it barely kept me sane in my weeks of complete solitude.

When I arrived back in the States, I couldn't get a job because I needed to take a hiatus (and still am) in Arkansas. I could've worked at the Museum of Discovery, but it fell through. I was busy with Brooke's wedding, mostly the Bachelorette Extravaganza, and with figuring out all the complicated details of migrating up north. Not to mention the two and half week vacation split between Phil's family and mine, that took me on a 6,000 mile road trip that spanned from Los Angeles to Alabama. I saw some amazing sights, learned a thing or two about myself, and saw first hand the damage of the oil spill on the gulf coast.  (That's a huge tarball the dolly is sitting on.)

But now the summer is coming to a close. It's getting cooler outside; the high today is only 91 degrees (instead of the usual scorching 100+). And I am going to reach my final destination, Chicago, in a mere 7 days. When I quit school in Italy, I knew that I would end up back in the Windy City, no matter what it took, because that city is good for me and Phil. In every way. I love it, and when I chose it over New York City 3 years ago, I had no idea of how perfect a fit it would be for us. Or perhaps it changed us? And because of its influence there is no other place for us now? Whatever the reason, we're going back, and I can't FUCKING wait.

I have been lounging about, going for lazy jogs, and stalking the social network scene for far too long! I am ready for a job. A real one, that takes up at least 30 hours of my time a week. I need one for money, but I also need it for sanity. My personality is not comfortable with all this down time, and so I am ready for take off.

Sono pronta, cazzi!

Hope

It's so easy to take the world for granted, especially in the United States where we enjoy so many everyday luxuries that most people can't even imagine. We get caught up in the daily grind, and we forget to enjoy the cool breeze or the sound of cicadas at sunset.

I consider myself a pretty contemplative person, and I think that I do a good job of noticing the beauty around me. Yet, I often acknowledge that something is remarkable with only a second's thought before moving on. And I rarely share the beauty with another person. Because this short week was so full of loveliness, I think that for once I should share it with you.

I drove to Chicago to find an apartment. The drive was long, about 11.5 hours, and it was relatively tedious. But if you pay attention, even driving through endless corn fields can be whimsical. When Phil was driving I noticed that the median was full of yellow sulfur butterflies that, as we drove, would swirl around the windshield. As the sun was setting in the west, I noticed the silhouette of a strange flying machine above the glowing stalks. I asked Phil if it was a plane dusting the crops, but he identified it as a glider. It kept up with us in the distance for minutes floating up and down, a blustery roller coaster ride. And when we arrived in Chicago the weather was worlds different than in Arkansas. It was dry and cool, sunny and breezy. The water shone like sapphires against the steely outline of the loop. I've seen it hundreds of times, and it's always beautiful, but Chicago in the summer is like a rose at its peak: dewy and fresh and bursting with life. The food was nice, the friends were better, and I couldn't help fantasizing about what the next year will bring.

I'm scared, a worry-wart, but I also have hope-- a lot of it. This year is going to be tough, but as long as Chicago is beautiful, I can carry though.

Return to Chicago

Well, I've moved all of my belongings and myself back to the States, Brooke's wedding has finally come and gone, and now it's time to complete the difficult task of finding a job and an apartment in the enormous machine that is Chicago. My plan all along has been to get a job bagging groceries at Whole Foods. Even though I am heavily overqualified for something like that, it is appealing to me. I like the company's initiatives, I love the food there, and this time around I want to avoid locking myself into a professional career that is going to take me in a direction in life that I don't want. However.... they rejected me. So, I have been scouring the theatre websites to see if this time around I can marry my two great loves: education and theatre. I have sent out several applications to theatre teacher opportunities, and I hope to hear back.

Then there is also this other opportunity.... a rather unconventional and unexpected one. The Museum of Science and Industry is looking for some crazy motherfucker who will agree to live in the museum for a month, and I am the perfect crazy ass bitch for the job.

So, I have spent a lot of time surfing the web, searching for apartments, and reconnecting with my Chicago contacts. I am so ready to get back to the urban wilderness that is Chicago, but I am really scared that I won't be able to get onto my feet as well this time as last time. I have a little less money and a little higher standards. But then again, I know people now, and that's half the battle. I just hope things work out.

Plus, I still want a puppy! Keep your eyes peeled for a cutie patootie corgi puppy with a vagina, not a penis (because Darwin wants a girlfriend).

Also, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk

Running for my Life

Wow! Check out my map of the run I did today. Hardcore and incredibly beautiful. I was scared going into it because I hadn't run through part of it before and I was afraid I would get lost, but it was great! That is officially the farthest I have ever run. Not to mention at about mile 2 there is a series of intense hills.

This blog is titled Running for my Life because I feel like running has been one of the only things these past few weeks in Italy that has kept me from having a total mental breakdown. I know it's supposed to be beautiful to be in a foreign country with nothing to do but contemplate why the birds sing so sweetly, but for me boredom was suffocating. When I get up in the morning and start my day with a 5k, I feel motivated. I don't just sit around and watch TV or facebook all day. I feel powerful, and I feel like I can write. It helps my body, yes. But more importantly, running helps my mind.

To Whom It May Concern

This is the latest poem I wrote for our ensemble project that we semi-successfully performed in a huge, old theatre in Cortona. It was the opening dialogue that all the actors "read" from letters that they were writing. It was a short play with six actors that loosely explored the difficulty of writing down your true feelings for someone you love. It was very well received, but it was an incredibly trying process creating it. All of the actors cast had different backgrounds and ideas on how to create theatre, and unfortunately several of them had never attempted to create theatre with other people before. Man, we're talking DRAMA-- and I don't theatrical literature... (Sigh) I'm very happy it's over. And I'm proud of us for completing it. So anyway, below is the poem that I wrote for it.


To Whom It May Concern:

I keep pressing my pen, tip weeping ink,
against this paper to share what I think,
to write down the words I cannot speak.
But each word I write, I crush with critique.
Clumsy, witless, miserable.
Ideas are worth nothing when words emerge dull.
My endeavor seems fruitless, no letter have I
To give to you, the apple of my eye.

Yours truly

To Darwin

grief comes in waves
like ocean holidays
alive, you're not dead
sleeping in someone else's bed
rejection scalds like coals
burning tiny hot heart holes
it's cold like your cold cold nose,
or the Chicago breeze on my toes
i miss you but you don't miss me
something i never would have believed
but damn you all
god damn you all
I have something to say
God help you if you stand in my way

This is My Bridge.

The stones I stood on
I can see them far below
under the roots of the trees of the ideas that I have grown
They are crumbled and broken
But I can still see what they used to be

I want to stand on stones again
I thought I always would
But now I stand on sticks not bricks
they creak and crack
A flimsy bridge swaying as my passage rocks it

If I focus on the sun I can almost believe
My feet are on solid ground
The wind rustling my smiles
carrying butterflies for miles and miles
A stolid staircase to my destiny

But the partially cloudy is always with me
and I can't help but hear the crack of this flimsy bridge
Phil wishes I would just get off and walk with him
But I wanna be on the bridge.
I want to cross it.
I wish it were made of stronger stuff, but still
I need it.

Inside of my belly there is a swirling black bog
howling
indecipherable syllables of encouragement and doubt and woe
bubbling
I lance the boil
Release the steaming, streaming need to know what to do about this damn path I'm on.

But then I must stuff it back in
For this is my bridge
And I am sorry
Because only I can get off of it.
Or not.
But this is my Bridge.
And I know I asked and begged for your help climbing.
and I always will.
But this is my bridge.
And I must stand on it alone.

I'm Not Angry Anymore

I haven't updated in forever! And my perspective on things has really improved, so I should.

Well, It's week five of this semester, and as you all know, I came back in a huge funk. I was sooo angry at everyone for this school not working out: myself, ADA, some of the students, etc. But really, I am incredibly grateful that I ended up back here.

I was really angry and judgmental about several of my classmates, and it did NOT dissipate over the break. I expected it to because I wasn't around them, but I was really holding a grudge! And it turns out that all I needed was to come back, talk to some of them, or just be around them to realize that of course none of them are perfect but that they are generally very nice people that I am glad to know.

Some of my classes have improved, others have gotten worse. I am so pleased and surprised by my slow but steady progress. My voice and physical skills are certainly better than they were when I arrived! And the projects that I have been/am/will be working on are worth it. All things considered I am pretty optimistic about my life right now.

Am I sticking with the program after this semester? Very unlikely. All of the old problems are still in the back of my mind, there are new ones, and frankly, I just wanna be back in the states with my dog in my own life. Although, I am getting pretty confident with my italian communication, as pathetic as it is, and am starting to enjoy getting out in Italy more.

In the next couple of weeks I'll be doing a lot of cool things. Mom and Dad will be here in like 8 days, and we're going to Rome, Pompei, Venice, and Cinque Terre at least. They'll get to see me perform a short piece based on Edgar Allen Poe's, The Raven. Then the semester's end will be here before I know it. Phil has accepted a job with the Accademia for the months of May and June. While he works, I am hoping to write a play and maybe take the intensive class here? Then we're going to do a quick tour of Paris, Amsterdam, and such. Then, I think we might move back to the states.

So, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my optimism is due in part to the fact that I know that I am going to be moving back after this so that I can go to a more legitimate graduate school. Whatever it is though, it feels good to not feel so down aaalll the time.

Just Can't Figure Me Out

i know not what to do.

my foot into what shoe?

Surely surety shall show

by the time it's time to go.

did you notice all my poems seem

to end up with the same rhyme scheme

seriously, what in the world

am i to do with this girl?

each choice holds too many risks

and my decisions are all based on ifs

what if i give up on this

and then no one else gives a piss

i'll start all over again

and maybe not reach the right end

hey this school isn't right

but why do i always fight

when things aren't quite what i need

you'd think that i like to bleed

i just wish something would fall

and make my decision end-all.