Goals

In my life as a theatre artist, I have swung back on forth on the likelihood of ever achieving my goals.  And my goals have of course, altered over the years.  At first, I wanted to be on screen in movies or TV. Then, as I got some experience doing work behind the camera, I realized I didn't find it appealing at all.  Then, I wanted to be a successful actress in one city. I wanted to make contacts and then get regular work because people learned that I was good. But after living here for a while, I understood that it was going to take me a very long time to do that.  And I also realized that I wasn't willing to act in just anything anymore.  I don't always find someone exciting in every script as I used to, and I am afraid to get work with a horrible company again (anyone remember Much Ado about Nothing?). So, now I'm a selective, unknown, mediocre actress whose half-assedly writing a play, and getting rejected from every box office and theatre job out there.  So, of course I'm still doing science, early childhood education.

I looked into grad schools again last week, and I am both excited by the programs I see and afraid that I won't get into any that I like.  I'm also beginning to doubt my interest in acting.  Do I even really like it anymore or do I just like theatre in general now?  Or do I want to direct?  Should I pursue an MFA in directing?  I think it might be more marketable for a teaching job, but I'm not sure.

I really just want to be a theatre professor.  Really, a whole, whole lot.  It is reportedly even more difficult to get a Theatre Professor position than it is to get an acting gig.  And I don't have a very high success rate for booking gigs, so am I just setting myself up for failure? I hope not, because when I think about teaching early childhood science classes long term I am sickened by my future.  I can do so much more! And yet I recognize how I am especially suited for that job, and that is why I keep getting employed doing it. Whereas, as an actress I cannot sing, dance, play an instrument, or do acrobatics, so I am not particularly well-suited to it.

So, I could either ceaselessly pursue a career I am not suited for, or I could accept my destiny to teach little kids about science and nature. For, now I'm still going to be ceaseless. But I don't like it!

Oh, the other option is to become a theatre SCHOLAR, which I think that I am suited for, but that kinda sounds SUCKY.  It is however, a very valid option to consider.

And mixed into all that existential thinking, is my utter disappointment for my auditions lately and for a lot of the theatre I have seen since returning. I have seen joy light a group of children new to the theatre and old people who only have theatre left.  I know it is powerful. But I am driven to create something that I know is greater.  And at the same time the fear of failure holds me back.

But I also have home goals too.  I want to fancy up my house like a real grown-up, and throw dinner parties all the time--- which I kind of do...-- and I want another dog and other grown up things. And I want my KSL job to become regular. Oh, did I mention I got a raise? I now get paid $20 an hour to write children's programming. Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah... it is, I guess.

Anyway, that was a very wandering and non-linear blog. Sorry about that! I gotta go vacuum the candy store now.  Gotta get home and cook some Butternut Squash Lasagna for Lindsay and E!