Home for the Holidays

Christmas and the Holidays are such a wonderful time of the year.  But though they are beautiful, they are also painful.  Beyond the simultaneous joy of giving gifts and the pain of an empty wallet, Christmas is a reminder of who you were.  You return home, maybe just to your parent's house, for me to my home town, and you that causes you to reflect on your past and also, what you've accomplished.  I've been on such a journey since moving away from Arkansas three years ago. I'm not who I used to be, so who am I now? And where am I? Am I where I thought I would be at this point. Not at all. I don't have a successful acting career in Chicago or a Masters of Fine Arts from Italy.  But ultimately I'm proud of what I've done, and what I am doing now.  Pleased, but poignant.

Plus, there is always a little bit of longing in everyone to go back home, and really to go back in time and live the beauties of the past.  Visiting at Christmas brings these feelings to the forefront of your mind as you visit old haunts and old friends. At home, life is comfortable and the relationships you have with people extend so long into years past.  I miss those easy times with those easy friendships.

And this may seem petty, but catching up with people requires listing your recent accomplishments.  What are they?  Are they good enough?  Not for your old friends or family, but for you.  Accomplishments don't always mean a lot to people, but they mean a lot to me.  So, as you assess your current life, you wonder about the future, and if you're on the right path.  Are you working hard enough?  Is it worth it?

As I think about the parties and wonderful times to come this week, I simultaneously smile and am sad.  For, what I have lost cannot be regained. And I guess... I really wouldn't want it to.  That's part of the smiles. That I still have people that I love no matter how far we are from one another 360 days a year.

I'm so much more alone in Chicago than I am in Little Rock, or even than I was in Italy.  Actually, I was almost never alone in Italy because people were always stopping by and knocking on my window for something (very bothersome at the time!).  Will I ever form the kind of family in Chicago that I have in those places?  I have 3 or 4 families in the world, and my Chicago family is a bit more distant, busier, independent. I'm lonely I guess. And ready to come home for the holidays where there is an abundance of love and cheer.

Thus, my simultaneous excitement, pleasure, and pain.  Christmas is such a complicated time of the year.