In my life as a theatre artist, I have swung back on forth on the likelihood of ever achieving my goals. And my goals have of course, altered over the years. At first, I wanted to be on screen in movies or TV. Then, as I got some experience doing work behind the camera, I realized I didn't find it appealing at all. Then, I wanted to be a successful actress in one city. I wanted to make contacts and then get regular work because people learned that I was good. But after living here for a while, I understood that it was going to take me a very long time to do that. And I also realized that I wasn't willing to act in just anything anymore. I don't always find someone exciting in every script as I used to, and I am afraid to get work with a horrible company again (anyone remember Much Ado about Nothing?). So, now I'm a selective, unknown, mediocre actress whose half-assedly writing a play, and getting rejected from every box office and theatre job out there. So, of course I'm still doing science, early childhood education.
I looked into grad schools again last week, and I am both excited by the programs I see and afraid that I won't get into any that I like. I'm also beginning to doubt my interest in acting. Do I even really like it anymore or do I just like theatre in general now? Or do I want to direct? Should I pursue an MFA in directing? I think it might be more marketable for a teaching job, but I'm not sure.
I really just want to be a theatre professor. Really, a whole, whole lot. It is reportedly even more difficult to get a Theatre Professor position than it is to get an acting gig. And I don't have a very high success rate for booking gigs, so am I just setting myself up for failure? I hope not, because when I think about teaching early childhood science classes long term I am sickened by my future. I can do so much more! And yet I recognize how I am especially suited for that job, and that is why I keep getting employed doing it. Whereas, as an actress I cannot sing, dance, play an instrument, or do acrobatics, so I am not particularly well-suited to it.
So, I could either ceaselessly pursue a career I am not suited for, or I could accept my destiny to teach little kids about science and nature. For, now I'm still going to be ceaseless. But I don't like it!
Oh, the other option is to become a theatre SCHOLAR, which I think that I am suited for, but that kinda sounds SUCKY. It is however, a very valid option to consider.
And mixed into all that existential thinking, is my utter disappointment for my auditions lately and for a lot of the theatre I have seen since returning. I have seen joy light a group of children new to the theatre and old people who only have theatre left. I know it is powerful. But I am driven to create something that I know is greater. And at the same time the fear of failure holds me back.
But I also have home goals too. I want to fancy up my house like a real grown-up, and throw dinner parties all the time--- which I kind of do...-- and I want another dog and other grown up things. And I want my KSL job to become regular. Oh, did I mention I got a raise? I now get paid $20 an hour to write children's programming. Pretty awesome, right? Yeah... it is, I guess.
Anyway, that was a very wandering and non-linear blog. Sorry about that! I gotta go vacuum the candy store now. Gotta get home and cook some Butternut Squash Lasagna for Lindsay and E!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
October in Chicago
Perhaps my favorite month of the year, October is beautiful to experience anywhere in the Northern Hemisphere. Humidity drops, breezes become blustery, and of course, the leaves are brilliant. We had a historically powerful wind storm this week, and I was dreading the empty branches that would be left behind. Luckily though, the Honey Locusts, Ginkgoes, and the Maples weren't ready to leg go yet. This month we've had chilly days and balmy days, and everything in between. The weather has been fun.
Other things to report this month are that Phil got a job at Gino's East Pizza-- the place famous for Chicago Deep Dish pizza. It's really high traffic place, with cheapo European tourist customers, with bad management, but with GREAT money. He's hoping to work there intensely through Christmas, and then sort of phasing it out. I am working two jobs, Sucker's Candy and Kids Science Lab. I just got a raise at KSL! The most significant I have ever gotten. I'm stoked about it, and it makes me feel really good about the work I have been submitting.
Theatre-wise I have seen some much better theatre this month, and I have been networking at both Red Tape Theatre and the House. I really respect both of those companies, and I would love to work for them. It was great to visit with some of my old cast mates and other people involved in Enemy of the People at Red Tape. I forgot how cool they all were.
I've some serious ups and downs this month, but overall it's going better than I expected. Chicago never fails me and Phil. No exciting Halloween plans though which is the only bummer. Chicagoans just don't know how to celebrate holidays. It's all about the House parties, ya know! Speaking of houses, Phil and I think our apartment is super cute still, but waaaay too dark and our upstairs neighbor is a NIGHTMARE. When I met him and called him Dennis the Menace I didn't realize how accurate a title that was. Making dog collars all night long, constantly barking dog, idiotic prattle everytime I walk out the door.... I'm gonna kill him.
I have a deadline for my play this Sunday that I likely will not make, but I think I'll try tomorrow. I only have to submit the first ten pages, and it's just for a developmental process. It's in terrible shape right now though.... I have some serious work to do. The more I learn about Moses the more I get confused about what I want.
So, that's an update about what's up with me. I will hopefully have my winter boots fixed and all my coats cleaned before it gets too cold here!
Other things to report this month are that Phil got a job at Gino's East Pizza-- the place famous for Chicago Deep Dish pizza. It's really high traffic place, with cheapo European tourist customers, with bad management, but with GREAT money. He's hoping to work there intensely through Christmas, and then sort of phasing it out. I am working two jobs, Sucker's Candy and Kids Science Lab. I just got a raise at KSL! The most significant I have ever gotten. I'm stoked about it, and it makes me feel really good about the work I have been submitting.
Theatre-wise I have seen some much better theatre this month, and I have been networking at both Red Tape Theatre and the House. I really respect both of those companies, and I would love to work for them. It was great to visit with some of my old cast mates and other people involved in Enemy of the People at Red Tape. I forgot how cool they all were.
I've some serious ups and downs this month, but overall it's going better than I expected. Chicago never fails me and Phil. No exciting Halloween plans though which is the only bummer. Chicagoans just don't know how to celebrate holidays. It's all about the House parties, ya know! Speaking of houses, Phil and I think our apartment is super cute still, but waaaay too dark and our upstairs neighbor is a NIGHTMARE. When I met him and called him Dennis the Menace I didn't realize how accurate a title that was. Making dog collars all night long, constantly barking dog, idiotic prattle everytime I walk out the door.... I'm gonna kill him.
I have a deadline for my play this Sunday that I likely will not make, but I think I'll try tomorrow. I only have to submit the first ten pages, and it's just for a developmental process. It's in terrible shape right now though.... I have some serious work to do. The more I learn about Moses the more I get confused about what I want.
So, that's an update about what's up with me. I will hopefully have my winter boots fixed and all my coats cleaned before it gets too cold here!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Grow Up, You Little Bitch
Quit dreaming. Take responsibility for your actions. Keep track of money that you spend. Sometimes you just have to do things that you don't want to do. Nothing is perfect.
Just grow up. You've spent the last year gallivanting all over the world, racking up tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, and now you can't handle your shit when you're back in the real world. Right where you claimed that you wanted to be. So what if your job makes you anxious, and who cares if your boss micromanages you. He's given you all the flexibility in the world, make it work. And why exactly are you surprised when your vocal and dance skills still come up short? It's not like you've been taking lesson. You have to work on things to get better at them. For that matter, you have to work on things for them to get done. You can't just Facebook the day away and somehow get all of your programming written, and you'll have gotten back on top of writing your play.
So now you're stressed out, broke, and trying to support three + deal with some heavy student loans--- exactly where you knew you were going to be--- and you're upset about it? Well, suck it up. Because there are a lot of people in the world who have it a lot worse off than you, and frankly you are the only problem here. Get over yourself, admit that you should do anything and everything the client asks of you, and do some fucking work. Then you can pay bills, be less stressed, and be emotionally stable enough to work on your script.
Just grow the fuck up.
Just grow up. You've spent the last year gallivanting all over the world, racking up tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, and now you can't handle your shit when you're back in the real world. Right where you claimed that you wanted to be. So what if your job makes you anxious, and who cares if your boss micromanages you. He's given you all the flexibility in the world, make it work. And why exactly are you surprised when your vocal and dance skills still come up short? It's not like you've been taking lesson. You have to work on things to get better at them. For that matter, you have to work on things for them to get done. You can't just Facebook the day away and somehow get all of your programming written, and you'll have gotten back on top of writing your play.
So now you're stressed out, broke, and trying to support three + deal with some heavy student loans--- exactly where you knew you were going to be--- and you're upset about it? Well, suck it up. Because there are a lot of people in the world who have it a lot worse off than you, and frankly you are the only problem here. Get over yourself, admit that you should do anything and everything the client asks of you, and do some fucking work. Then you can pay bills, be less stressed, and be emotionally stable enough to work on your script.
Just grow the fuck up.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Pleasures
you're like a deep, long-awaited sigh
or a teardrop as it breaks the cusp of my eye.
you're like the last, crisp page of my favorite book.
a hug with my face buried in your neck-crook.
a kiss with soft, supple lips,
or when you rub my back with just your finger tips.
you're like the water which encloses me at the bottom of the pool,
the silent relief from the summer's burning tool.
you're the bitter-sweet mouthful of a really great beer
and you're the breeze in my hair when the sky is blue-clear.
you're the good things in life that balance the bad.
you're the pleasures that banish the sad.
or a teardrop as it breaks the cusp of my eye.
you're like the last, crisp page of my favorite book.
a hug with my face buried in your neck-crook.
a kiss with soft, supple lips,
or when you rub my back with just your finger tips.
you're like the water which encloses me at the bottom of the pool,
the silent relief from the summer's burning tool.
you're the bitter-sweet mouthful of a really great beer
and you're the breeze in my hair when the sky is blue-clear.
you're the good things in life that balance the bad.
you're the pleasures that banish the sad.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sono Pronta
Since my final day of performance in April, I have essentially been on summer vacation. Except this vacation was unlike any other I have ever experienced. Instead of instantly transitioning from full-time student to full-time employee, working this summer just wasn't an option for me.
For the first six weeks of summer I was stuck in Europe, waiting on Phil to wrap up his job. Luckily we got to take the trip of our lives while we were there. Barcelona, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Torino: These cities and the culture we witnessed in them will forever affect our perspectives of the world. I gave myself the job of writing the play that's been under my skin for the past three years, and it barely kept me sane in my weeks of complete solitude.
When I arrived back in the States, I couldn't get a job because I needed to take a hiatus (and still am) in Arkansas. I could've worked at the Museum of Discovery, but it fell through. I was busy with Brooke's wedding, mostly the Bachelorette Extravaganza, and with figuring out all the complicated details of migrating up north. Not to mention the two and half week vacation split between Phil's family and mine, that took me on a 6,000 mile road trip that spanned from Los Angeles to Alabama. I saw some amazing sights, learned a thing or two about myself, and saw first hand the damage of the oil spill on the gulf coast. (That's a huge tarball the dolly is sitting on.)
But now the summer is coming to a close. It's getting cooler outside; the high today is only 91 degrees (instead of the usual scorching 100+). And I am going to reach my final destination, Chicago, in a mere 7 days. When I quit school in Italy, I knew that I would end up back in the Windy City, no matter what it took, because that city is good for me and Phil. In every way. I love it, and when I chose it over New York City 3 years ago, I had no idea of how perfect a fit it would be for us. Or perhaps it changed us? And because of its influence there is no other place for us now? Whatever the reason, we're going back, and I can't FUCKING wait.
I have been lounging about, going for lazy jogs, and stalking the social network scene for far too long! I am ready for a job. A real one, that takes up at least 30 hours of my time a week. I need one for money, but I also need it for sanity. My personality is not comfortable with all this down time, and so I am ready for take off.
Sono pronta, cazzi!
For the first six weeks of summer I was stuck in Europe, waiting on Phil to wrap up his job. Luckily we got to take the trip of our lives while we were there. Barcelona, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Torino: These cities and the culture we witnessed in them will forever affect our perspectives of the world. I gave myself the job of writing the play that's been under my skin for the past three years, and it barely kept me sane in my weeks of complete solitude.
When I arrived back in the States, I couldn't get a job because I needed to take a hiatus (and still am) in Arkansas. I could've worked at the Museum of Discovery, but it fell through. I was busy with Brooke's wedding, mostly the Bachelorette Extravaganza, and with figuring out all the complicated details of migrating up north. Not to mention the two and half week vacation split between Phil's family and mine, that took me on a 6,000 mile road trip that spanned from Los Angeles to Alabama. I saw some amazing sights, learned a thing or two about myself, and saw first hand the damage of the oil spill on the gulf coast. (That's a huge tarball the dolly is sitting on.)
But now the summer is coming to a close. It's getting cooler outside; the high today is only 91 degrees (instead of the usual scorching 100+). And I am going to reach my final destination, Chicago, in a mere 7 days. When I quit school in Italy, I knew that I would end up back in the Windy City, no matter what it took, because that city is good for me and Phil. In every way. I love it, and when I chose it over New York City 3 years ago, I had no idea of how perfect a fit it would be for us. Or perhaps it changed us? And because of its influence there is no other place for us now? Whatever the reason, we're going back, and I can't FUCKING wait.
I have been lounging about, going for lazy jogs, and stalking the social network scene for far too long! I am ready for a job. A real one, that takes up at least 30 hours of my time a week. I need one for money, but I also need it for sanity. My personality is not comfortable with all this down time, and so I am ready for take off.
Sono pronta, cazzi!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Hope
It's so easy to take the world for granted, especially in the United States where we enjoy so many everyday luxuries that most people can't even imagine. We get caught up in the daily grind, and we forget to enjoy the cool breeze or the sound of cicadas at sunset.
I consider myself a pretty contemplative person, and I think that I do a good job of noticing the beauty around me. Yet, I often acknowledge that something is remarkable with only a second's thought before moving on. And I rarely share the beauty with another person. Because this short week was so full of loveliness, I think that for once I should share it with you.
I drove to Chicago to find an apartment. The drive was long, about 11.5 hours, and it was relatively tedious. But if you pay attention, even driving through endless corn fields can be whimsical. When Phil was driving I noticed that the median was full of yellow sulfur butterflies that, as we drove, would swirl around the windshield. As the sun was setting in the west, I noticed the silhouette of a strange flying machine above the glowing stalks. I asked Phil if it was a plane dusting the crops, but he identified it as a glider. It kept up with us in the distance for minutes floating up and down, a blustery roller coaster ride. And when we arrived in Chicago the weather was worlds different than in Arkansas. It was dry and cool, sunny and breezy. The water shone like sapphires against the steely outline of the loop. I've seen it hundreds of times, and it's always beautiful, but Chicago in the summer is like a rose at its peak: dewy and fresh and bursting with life. The food was nice, the friends were better, and I couldn't help fantasizing about what the next year will bring.
I'm scared, a worry-wart, but I also have hope-- a lot of it. This year is going to be tough, but as long as Chicago is beautiful, I can carry though.
I consider myself a pretty contemplative person, and I think that I do a good job of noticing the beauty around me. Yet, I often acknowledge that something is remarkable with only a second's thought before moving on. And I rarely share the beauty with another person. Because this short week was so full of loveliness, I think that for once I should share it with you.
I drove to Chicago to find an apartment. The drive was long, about 11.5 hours, and it was relatively tedious. But if you pay attention, even driving through endless corn fields can be whimsical. When Phil was driving I noticed that the median was full of yellow sulfur butterflies that, as we drove, would swirl around the windshield. As the sun was setting in the west, I noticed the silhouette of a strange flying machine above the glowing stalks. I asked Phil if it was a plane dusting the crops, but he identified it as a glider. It kept up with us in the distance for minutes floating up and down, a blustery roller coaster ride. And when we arrived in Chicago the weather was worlds different than in Arkansas. It was dry and cool, sunny and breezy. The water shone like sapphires against the steely outline of the loop. I've seen it hundreds of times, and it's always beautiful, but Chicago in the summer is like a rose at its peak: dewy and fresh and bursting with life. The food was nice, the friends were better, and I couldn't help fantasizing about what the next year will bring.
I'm scared, a worry-wart, but I also have hope-- a lot of it. This year is going to be tough, but as long as Chicago is beautiful, I can carry though.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Return to Chicago
Well, I've moved all of my belongings and myself back to the States, Brooke's wedding has finally come and gone, and now it's time to complete the difficult task of finding a job and an apartment in the enormous machine that is Chicago. My plan all along has been to get a job bagging groceries at Whole Foods. Even though I am heavily overqualified for something like that, it is appealing to me. I like the company's initiatives, I love the food there, and this time around I want to avoid locking myself into a professional career that is going to take me in a direction in life that I don't want. However.... they rejected me. So, I have been scouring the theatre websites to see if this time around I can marry my two great loves: education and theatre. I have sent out several applications to theatre teacher opportunities, and I hope to hear back.
Then there is also this other opportunity.... a rather unconventional and unexpected one. The Museum of Science and Industry is looking for some crazy motherfucker who will agree to live in the museum for a month, and I am the perfect crazy ass bitch for the job.
So, I have spent a lot of time surfing the web, searching for apartments, and reconnecting with my Chicago contacts. I am so ready to get back to the urban wilderness that is Chicago, but I am really scared that I won't be able to get onto my feet as well this time as last time. I have a little less money and a little higher standards. But then again, I know people now, and that's half the battle. I just hope things work out.
Plus, I still want a puppy! Keep your eyes peeled for a cutie patootie corgi puppy with a vagina, not a penis (because Darwin wants a girlfriend).
Also, watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk
Then there is also this other opportunity.... a rather unconventional and unexpected one. The Museum of Science and Industry is looking for some crazy motherfucker who will agree to live in the museum for a month, and I am the perfect crazy ass bitch for the job.
So, I have spent a lot of time surfing the web, searching for apartments, and reconnecting with my Chicago contacts. I am so ready to get back to the urban wilderness that is Chicago, but I am really scared that I won't be able to get onto my feet as well this time as last time. I have a little less money and a little higher standards. But then again, I know people now, and that's half the battle. I just hope things work out.
Plus, I still want a puppy! Keep your eyes peeled for a cutie patootie corgi puppy with a vagina, not a penis (because Darwin wants a girlfriend).
Also, watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk
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