Yesterday I took part in one of the old pastimes of summer, picking wild blackberries. Kyle and I drove to Maumelle and turned into the beautifully manicured neighborhood of our friend Emily. She hopped in the car, and said the expected words "we can drive there." I knew there were no wild blackberry bushes in this bourgeoisie paradise. But then we drove a couple of blocks and parked in front of a paved bike and walking trail. "So, this is the neighborhood's blackberry trail?" I asked. She said pretty much, and we began winding down the trail between houses. I had brought a large bucket for picking, and when we arrived at the first "bush" I knew I'd leave with a light load. It was just into the woods, right off of the path, in view of at least 10 houses. We probably got 7 or 8 berries. In this huge neighborhood, I imagined there must be at least enough enterprising souls to keep these blackberry bushes pretty clean. After a ways, we struck what I thought was the jackpot, though. Deep into the thicket was a huge bush covered in ripe berries. We spent quite a while cleaning every fresh n' ready fruit in sight. The thorns were ripping at my bare arms, the sun was beating down on my skin, and sweat was running down my face, but all of these adversities made me value the tiny treasures even more.
Isn't it crazy, really crazy, that the earth actually naturally grows edible treats by no human encouraging or intervention? Isn't it odd that most people have never picked their own food? Here I was, in the middle of waist high thorns, sweating waterfalls, for free berries, and enjoying every second of it. Honestly, what a pleasure it is to work for your own food!
Next we walked down a dirt road next to some railroad tracks. It was lined with bush after bush of heavy berries. Why had no one picked these? Did no one know they were here, or were they just not willing to put the effort into picking them? I was glad either way. More berries for me!
Emily wandered into the woods and returned with a palm full of huckleberries. I asked if she was sure whether or not they weren't poisonous. She assured that they weren't and urged me to try them. They were tiny and black. I hesitantly bit into them, and happily agreed that they were wonderful.
Where was I? Not the place, but the time. It felt as if I had gone back in time 75 years to a place without airconditioning. A place where grandma canned food for the winter, and made huckleberry pie. A rumbling noise grew in the distance, and a train slowly roared by. Flies buzzed around my head, and heat waves distorted the distant road ahead. This was life. Raw and wild. And real. And southern.
We picked 12 cups of blackberries, which is like 5 lbs. We eventually grew tired of the heat, and with our half full bucket, empty water bottles, and my head full of thoughts we wandered back to the car. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that there are grocery stores and farms to provide me with my every desire. But... it means so much more to work for your food. You really appreciate the sweet flavor of the good berries, and you don't freak out when you eat one that doesn't look quite perfect because they sometimes taste the best. And to just share the bounty of the earth with the people you love... that's what summer should be about.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Last Day of School Ever
Well, I just walked out of Irby for the last time after my last final on my last day of school.
As I walked out of the side door with the cigarette chimney smoking away again because it's too full of cigarettes and on fire, I was forced to stop for a moment and look around. I didn't want to pass this moment by. This was my last time ever to stroll on the sidewalks of UCA as a student. At first, I just acknowledged it cooly, completely accepting the fact that it was over. I had been expecting it after all. But then, helplessly, I remembered all the things behind me and realized that adult life loomed ahead. I was filled with emotion remembering good and bad, funny and sad. Classes are gone which is great, but so is wonderful UCA theatre which is so much easier to be involved in than professional theatre. And even though it sucks most of the time, at least that's because it is a small university in the deep south. I am afraid of the shitty plays in my future. And I am sad for having to leave all of my friends.
But standing in that moment, regretting the loss of UCA theatre, I was overcome with horror at the thought that now I was anadult. College is, afterall, just an excuse to mooch off your parents, and not do your homework (God, I'll never have homework again... what will I do with all of my time?) I know that I have all summer here, but after that what?? New York? Chicago? Both seem impossible. I haven't ever really only depended on myself for survival. I'm so afraid of failure or that wherever I go I won't find happiness.
I shook myself out of these thoughts as students wandered by staring at me, and tears welled in my eyes. I hopped on my trusty old bike that may or may not make the next journey with me in the big city, and rode slowly away. Then, as if the world itself agreed with my emotional turmoil and threatening tears, it began to gently, softly rain. I felt relieved that at least I could blame my watering eyes on the falling water, and let a tear or two fall as I continued to ride slowly on. When the rain gained force and began to drop more eagerly, something inside of me clicked. Was I going to cling to the past like a baby and let myself get rained on, or was I going to let it go and hurry home to get out of the rain? A smile crept onto my face. I stood on my pedals and began to push more quickly ahead. I looked back toward campus one last time, and this time instead of sorrow I felt a rising sense of accomplishment. I laughed loudly, turned back towards home, and rode as quickly as I could all the way home.
As I walked out of the side door with the cigarette chimney smoking away again because it's too full of cigarettes and on fire, I was forced to stop for a moment and look around. I didn't want to pass this moment by. This was my last time ever to stroll on the sidewalks of UCA as a student. At first, I just acknowledged it cooly, completely accepting the fact that it was over. I had been expecting it after all. But then, helplessly, I remembered all the things behind me and realized that adult life loomed ahead. I was filled with emotion remembering good and bad, funny and sad. Classes are gone which is great, but so is wonderful UCA theatre which is so much easier to be involved in than professional theatre. And even though it sucks most of the time, at least that's because it is a small university in the deep south. I am afraid of the shitty plays in my future. And I am sad for having to leave all of my friends.
But standing in that moment, regretting the loss of UCA theatre, I was overcome with horror at the thought that now I was anadult. College is, afterall, just an excuse to mooch off your parents, and not do your homework (God, I'll never have homework again... what will I do with all of my time?) I know that I have all summer here, but after that what?? New York? Chicago? Both seem impossible. I haven't ever really only depended on myself for survival. I'm so afraid of failure or that wherever I go I won't find happiness.
I shook myself out of these thoughts as students wandered by staring at me, and tears welled in my eyes. I hopped on my trusty old bike that may or may not make the next journey with me in the big city, and rode slowly away. Then, as if the world itself agreed with my emotional turmoil and threatening tears, it began to gently, softly rain. I felt relieved that at least I could blame my watering eyes on the falling water, and let a tear or two fall as I continued to ride slowly on. When the rain gained force and began to drop more eagerly, something inside of me clicked. Was I going to cling to the past like a baby and let myself get rained on, or was I going to let it go and hurry home to get out of the rain? A smile crept onto my face. I stood on my pedals and began to push more quickly ahead. I looked back toward campus one last time, and this time instead of sorrow I felt a rising sense of accomplishment. I laughed loudly, turned back towards home, and rode as quickly as I could all the way home.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
What's going On with Me
Well, I'm about to wrap up my last month of college. Pretty scary, as one would expect. Before I graduate though I will celebrate my first full length play by having formal presentation on April 20th at 4 PM. There will be a staged reading, and prior to my presentation, Rivka will present her thesis, a one-woman play. It should be a pretty interesting afternoon, and everyone is welcome to join us! Please let me know if you do intend to come though, so that I can make sure there are enough seats.
After that is graduation on May 6th. No big deal, it should be fine. Feel free to send me gifts.
After that is my first equity related job. I have been cast in the Arkansas Shakespeare Festival, and I am looking forward to it alot. I basically have about five lines in the entire festival, but I am in two plays! And I will be working with really experienced directors... not to mention a lot of friends. Anyway, that wraps in late June, and after that I hope to maybe write a musical... with Chad? I dunno, we briefly mentioned it. And also, the First Street Players, an acting company I cofounded, might be having an informal showing of some of our original work. We'll see.
THEN... I guess I'm off to the Big Apple to train with that same studio I trained with last summer... I am a litte anxious about that though. I just wish I knew whether or not I was making the right decision. It's such a HUGE risk... but I think regardless of if the training is worth it, at least I'll get a lot of lifetime experience. Phil is coming with me, and hopefully Darwin too. My dog.
As for what's been going on with me lately, I just wrapped on the First Street Players first orignal production, Memories of a Rainforest, at the Museum of Discovery. Chad wrote the music/lyrics, and I think it turned out really great. Look for the First Street Players in Music on here and add us. And I'm on Spring Break... WOO. I planted some giant cabbages, and I went to the highest point in Arkansas. Lost every bet at the horse races today. And... I have eaten FAR FAR too much this week. I'm a fatty.
That's about it with me. Please let me know what's up with you, and if you want a formal invitation to either graduation or my thesis prestentation just message me your address.
After that is graduation on May 6th. No big deal, it should be fine. Feel free to send me gifts.
After that is my first equity related job. I have been cast in the Arkansas Shakespeare Festival, and I am looking forward to it alot. I basically have about five lines in the entire festival, but I am in two plays! And I will be working with really experienced directors... not to mention a lot of friends. Anyway, that wraps in late June, and after that I hope to maybe write a musical... with Chad? I dunno, we briefly mentioned it. And also, the First Street Players, an acting company I cofounded, might be having an informal showing of some of our original work. We'll see.
THEN... I guess I'm off to the Big Apple to train with that same studio I trained with last summer... I am a litte anxious about that though. I just wish I knew whether or not I was making the right decision. It's such a HUGE risk... but I think regardless of if the training is worth it, at least I'll get a lot of lifetime experience. Phil is coming with me, and hopefully Darwin too. My dog.
As for what's been going on with me lately, I just wrapped on the First Street Players first orignal production, Memories of a Rainforest, at the Museum of Discovery. Chad wrote the music/lyrics, and I think it turned out really great. Look for the First Street Players in Music on here and add us. And I'm on Spring Break... WOO. I planted some giant cabbages, and I went to the highest point in Arkansas. Lost every bet at the horse races today. And... I have eaten FAR FAR too much this week. I'm a fatty.
That's about it with me. Please let me know what's up with you, and if you want a formal invitation to either graduation or my thesis prestentation just message me your address.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Don't Know Why I'm Writing This...
I really want to write a blog. But what is in my head is way too private to write down... you know. Deep, philisophical thoughts... so since I shouldn't write down that stuff, I'll write this
Do the silly dance
please leave on your pants
now is your only chance
to take a broad stance
in the air put your hands
and do a little dance
Oh yeah. Watch Lost. It's a good show.
Do the silly dance
please leave on your pants
now is your only chance
to take a broad stance
in the air put your hands
and do a little dance
Oh yeah. Watch Lost. It's a good show.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
ticktockticktockticktock
I am procrastinating.
Been doing more "research" which means learning more about what I'll probably never get to do... act in movies and stuff. And when it comes down to it, I really, really want to do the whole film, TV side of things. But I love acting so much I know I would be satisfied as long as I got some sort of fulfilling work in any medium. But I must improve. I don't know the best way or how much time to spend on it, but I have to train more. I wish there were some way for me to know the best person to train with. Plus, I have to buckle down and do everything in my power to learn everything. But what if even that isn't enough? I think I have the raw talent, but is that because I have only been acting in this small town?
Been blogging a lot lately.
I guess people--- all people, right?--- well, I guess we all go through phases, and ups and downs. Today... well, today I got that feeling. If you're a wanna-be actor stuck in a small town, no-where-to-go-up place like Conway, then I'm sure you've gotten that feeling of restlessness before. Where you think to yourself, what am I doing here? I have so much to do! I'm just sitting here doing nothing! Normally, I am satisfied knowing that I am simply taking a pause here to finish my degree (which deep down inside, I know means less than a pile of crap to what I hope is my future industry), but today... I guess I just realized I have so much more to learn. And I am hungry for it. Ugh! Why am I American?! :) What I mean is that I am so impatient, and I crave immediate satisfaction!
[Sigh]
I am so full of doubt. I want to be successful, but I am going to need so much more than a desire to be successful to actually be successful. Where do I start? What if I choose wrong? I'll have to sacrifice so much. Wendy once told me that actors were loners, that they had to be. All they do their entire lives is make families and leave them, over and over. I'm not a loner! And I don't want to leave any of my families... but my desire to act (god, no matter how long I am an actress, it never loses its cheesiness to say 'desire to act'), I think it's stronger.
I wonder if I can do it?
Been doing more "research" which means learning more about what I'll probably never get to do... act in movies and stuff. And when it comes down to it, I really, really want to do the whole film, TV side of things. But I love acting so much I know I would be satisfied as long as I got some sort of fulfilling work in any medium. But I must improve. I don't know the best way or how much time to spend on it, but I have to train more. I wish there were some way for me to know the best person to train with. Plus, I have to buckle down and do everything in my power to learn everything. But what if even that isn't enough? I think I have the raw talent, but is that because I have only been acting in this small town?
Been blogging a lot lately.
I guess people--- all people, right?--- well, I guess we all go through phases, and ups and downs. Today... well, today I got that feeling. If you're a wanna-be actor stuck in a small town, no-where-to-go-up place like Conway, then I'm sure you've gotten that feeling of restlessness before. Where you think to yourself, what am I doing here? I have so much to do! I'm just sitting here doing nothing! Normally, I am satisfied knowing that I am simply taking a pause here to finish my degree (which deep down inside, I know means less than a pile of crap to what I hope is my future industry), but today... I guess I just realized I have so much more to learn. And I am hungry for it. Ugh! Why am I American?! :) What I mean is that I am so impatient, and I crave immediate satisfaction!
[Sigh]
I am so full of doubt. I want to be successful, but I am going to need so much more than a desire to be successful to actually be successful. Where do I start? What if I choose wrong? I'll have to sacrifice so much. Wendy once told me that actors were loners, that they had to be. All they do their entire lives is make families and leave them, over and over. I'm not a loner! And I don't want to leave any of my families... but my desire to act (god, no matter how long I am an actress, it never loses its cheesiness to say 'desire to act'), I think it's stronger.
I wonder if I can do it?
Friday, December 8, 2006
Thievery
Chris Haas was stolen from last night. What was stolen was valueable, hard to replace, and expensive. One time this bitch stole a few of my headbands. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but one of the headbands was a special gift to myself I bought in Union Square one day, and god damnit I can't replace that. Also, a janitor stole like 75 bucks from me in highschool. That fucking sucked too. Oh yeah, my really cool bike too. Thieves just make me so angry. For instance, I truly feel HATRED for whoever stole my headband. It was really special to me.
I was thinking earlier how I hate thieves more than any other criminal: murderers, pediophiles, drug dealers, rapists. But then it occurred to me that really all criminals are thieves in some way. Murderers are life thieves, pediophiles are childhood and innocence thieves, drug dealers are sobriety thieves, rapists are self-choice and sanity thieves. Even immoral people like racists are diginity and self-respect thieves. So basically thieves are the top of the evil pyramid. Now that I have realized this, I repent for any theft I have done in my life, which for while was pretty considerable.
And in order not to be really furious everyday and lose all hope, I have to believe that those people, those thieves, will get what's coming to them. They have to have bad karma chasing them around. If they don't, the world is cruel, and I want to cry and curl up in a ball.
They'll get what's coming. I guess all the things that have been stolen from me are payback for all the little things I stole when I was stupid. I wonder if it's all a vicious cycle uncontrolled by any power, but more like the ocean, pushing forward only to recede again and again. But even the ocean is controlled by the moon...
Is there a God?
I was thinking earlier how I hate thieves more than any other criminal: murderers, pediophiles, drug dealers, rapists. But then it occurred to me that really all criminals are thieves in some way. Murderers are life thieves, pediophiles are childhood and innocence thieves, drug dealers are sobriety thieves, rapists are self-choice and sanity thieves. Even immoral people like racists are diginity and self-respect thieves. So basically thieves are the top of the evil pyramid. Now that I have realized this, I repent for any theft I have done in my life, which for while was pretty considerable.
And in order not to be really furious everyday and lose all hope, I have to believe that those people, those thieves, will get what's coming to them. They have to have bad karma chasing them around. If they don't, the world is cruel, and I want to cry and curl up in a ball.
They'll get what's coming. I guess all the things that have been stolen from me are payback for all the little things I stole when I was stupid. I wonder if it's all a vicious cycle uncontrolled by any power, but more like the ocean, pushing forward only to recede again and again. But even the ocean is controlled by the moon...
Is there a God?
Friday, December 1, 2006
Friends
For a while now I have been afraid of doing a repeat of my last long term realtionship and losing all of my friends. I did that with my last relationship, and it totally devasted me for a while. I really didn't have any friends until college, and I am really grateful for all my college friends now because of it. I try to balance both my relationship with Phil and my relationships with my UCA friends and my relationships with my old school/way back friends AND my relationship with my family, which I am very close to. It is really tough to be a good friend to all those people all of the time! And even though I have SO ;) many people to be loyal to and that I can call my friend, there aren't very many people that I can call up to hang out with. I think that is kind of sad and pathetic. :( Or is it? Are there many people out there that have more than like 5 people that they call up to hang out with regularly? I don't know if I even have than many... Anyway... I hope I don't turn into a loser like last time. If you are my friend and you feel like we don't hang out often enough or even talk enough, then feel free to let me know. I want to keep you as my friend! I promise!
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