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I am procrastinating.

Been doing more "research" which means learning more about what I'll probably never get to do... act in movies and stuff.  And when it comes down to it, I really, really want to do the whole film, TV side of things. But I love acting so much I know I would be satisfied as long as I got some sort of fulfilling work in any medium.  But I must improve. I don't know the best way or how much time to spend on it, but I have to train more.  I wish there were some way for me to know the best person to train with.  Plus, I have to buckle down and do everything in my power to learn everything.  But what if even that isn't enough? I think I have the raw talent, but is that because I have only been acting in this small town?

Been blogging a lot lately.

I guess people--- all people, right?--- well, I guess we all go through phases, and ups and downs.  Today... well, today I got that feeling.  If you're a wanna-be actor stuck in a small town, no-where-to-go-up place like Conway, then I'm sure you've gotten that feeling of restlessness before. Where you think to yourself, what am I doing here?  I have so much to do! I'm just sitting here doing nothing!  Normally, I am satisfied knowing that I am simply taking a pause here to finish my degree (which deep down inside, I know means less than a pile of crap to what I hope is my future industry), but today... I guess I just realized I have so much more to learn.  And I am hungry for it.  Ugh! Why am I American?! :) What I mean is that I am so impatient, and I crave immediate satisfaction!  

[Sigh]  

 I am so full of doubt.  I want to be successful, but I am going to need so much more than a desire to be successful to actually be successful.  Where do I start?  What if I choose wrong?  I'll have to sacrifice so much.  Wendy once told me that actors were loners, that they had to be.  All they do their entire lives is make families and leave them, over and over.  I'm not a loner! And I don't want to leave any of my families... but my desire to act (god, no matter how long I am an actress, it never loses its cheesiness to say 'desire to act'), I think it's stronger. 

I wonder if I can do it?