Boo Hoo

Darwin did not poop or pee in the apartment today. I think. 

That's good news. Both Phil and I had to work all day, and he didn't get to go out for 10 hours. 

I hate my job.

See, I not only find my job agonizingly boring and dragging (even when we have thousands of people visit like they have been for the holidays), but I also find my superiors annoyingly political, lazy, and power hungry. And disrespectful. I'm not going to get into the whys because that would bore you. Just know that it is a horror to work everyday. The people on my level are mostly cool, but we aren't allowed to "congregate" or talk to each other... It's like Big Brother.

I had an audition last night. I haven't had one in a couple months. I am getting new headshots on Wednesday, so I wanted to wait for those, but last night sounded like an interesting opportunity. Some short film, no pay, about lesbians and the show My So-Called Life. Anyway, I went and I... well... I think I sucked. Like really bad. Not that it really matters or anything that my performance was off for some gradstudent with wiccan eye makeup, but it was a very unsettling feeling of not knowing what I was doing. Like I was out of practice. I couldn't stop listening to myself, and I didn't sound like myself talking. I sounded like I was acting talking. You know what I mean? And I couldn't stop. I really tried to just focus on the other person talking, and react to what she was saying/doing. I couldn't. No solution here or anything. Just an uncomfortable ackowlegdement.

Did I mention I hate my job? Hopefully getting a new one next week...

I have good days here in Chicago. Sometimes. I have ok days a lot. And then I have some bad days. I love and hate public transportation. I love and hate all of the crazy people I meet. I had a great time at a party the other night with my friend Rhea. Free food and booze! It was pretty great.  I love the food/bar scene here. My apartment and my neighborhood are great. I love it when my family comes to visit, and my friends.  The weather here... you learn to deal. But I am scared scared scared that I'm not cut out for this thing I have been determined to do. And last night really made me wonder if I'm ready. If I'm not now, then what can I do about it? Go to grad school? I just don't want to right now.  Should I audition for AR Shakes? It probably won't be as great as last year with the pay dropping and all... Should I spoil that wonderful memory from before? 

Trying to act is hard. Just like everyone says. And some days I just don't want to try.