ticktockticktockticktock

I am procrastinating.

Been doing more "research" which means learning more about what I'll probably never get to do... act in movies and stuff.  And when it comes down to it, I really, really want to do the whole film, TV side of things. But I love acting so much I know I would be satisfied as long as I got some sort of fulfilling work in any medium.  But I must improve. I don't know the best way or how much time to spend on it, but I have to train more.  I wish there were some way for me to know the best person to train with.  Plus, I have to buckle down and do everything in my power to learn everything.  But what if even that isn't enough? I think I have the raw talent, but is that because I have only been acting in this small town?

Been blogging a lot lately.

I guess people--- all people, right?--- well, I guess we all go through phases, and ups and downs.  Today... well, today I got that feeling.  If you're a wanna-be actor stuck in a small town, no-where-to-go-up place like Conway, then I'm sure you've gotten that feeling of restlessness before. Where you think to yourself, what am I doing here?  I have so much to do! I'm just sitting here doing nothing!  Normally, I am satisfied knowing that I am simply taking a pause here to finish my degree (which deep down inside, I know means less than a pile of crap to what I hope is my future industry), but today... I guess I just realized I have so much more to learn.  And I am hungry for it.  Ugh! Why am I American?! :) What I mean is that I am so impatient, and I crave immediate satisfaction!  

[Sigh]  

 I am so full of doubt.  I want to be successful, but I am going to need so much more than a desire to be successful to actually be successful.  Where do I start?  What if I choose wrong?  I'll have to sacrifice so much.  Wendy once told me that actors were loners, that they had to be.  All they do their entire lives is make families and leave them, over and over.  I'm not a loner! And I don't want to leave any of my families... but my desire to act (god, no matter how long I am an actress, it never loses its cheesiness to say 'desire to act'), I think it's stronger. 

I wonder if I can do it?

Thievery

Chris Haas was stolen from last night. What was stolen was valueable, hard to replace, and expensive.  One time this bitch stole a few of my headbands. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but one of the headbands was a special gift to myself I bought in Union Square one day, and god damnit I can't replace that. Also, a janitor stole like 75 bucks from me in highschool. That fucking sucked too. Oh yeah, my really cool bike too. Thieves just make me so angry.  For instance, I truly feel HATRED for whoever stole my headband.  It was really special to me. 

I was thinking earlier how I hate thieves more than any other criminal: murderers, pediophiles, drug dealers, rapists. But then it occurred to me that really all criminals are thieves in some way. Murderers are life thieves, pediophiles are childhood and innocence thieves, drug dealers are sobriety thieves, rapists are self-choice and sanity thieves. Even immoral people like racists are diginity and self-respect thieves.  So basically thieves are the top of the evil pyramid.  Now that I have realized this, I repent for any theft I have done in my life, which for while was pretty considerable.

And in order not to be really furious everyday and lose all hope, I have to believe that those people, those thieves, will get what's coming to them.  They have to have bad karma chasing them around.  If they don't, the world is cruel, and I want to cry and curl up in a ball. 

They'll get what's coming.  I guess all the things that have been stolen from me are payback for all the little things I stole when I was stupid. I wonder if it's all a vicious cycle uncontrolled by any power, but more like the ocean, pushing forward only to recede again and again.  But even the ocean is controlled by the moon...

Is there a God?

Friends

For a while now I have been afraid of doing a repeat of my last long term realtionship and losing all of my friends.  I did that with my last relationship, and it totally devasted me for a while.  I really didn't have any friends until college, and I am really grateful for all my college friends now because of it.  I try to balance both my relationship with Phil and my relationships with my UCA friends and my relationships with my old school/way back friends AND my relationship with my family, which I am very close to. It is really tough to be a good friend to all those people all of the time!  And even though I have SO ;) many people to be loyal to and that I can call my friend, there aren't very many people that I can call up to hang out with. I think that is kind of sad and pathetic. :( Or is it? Are there many people out there that have more than like 5 people that they call up to hang out with regularly? I don't know if I even have than many... Anyway... I hope I don't turn into a loser like last time. If you are my friend and you feel like we don't hang out often enough or even talk enough, then feel free to let me know.  I want to keep you as my friend! I promise!

Lovely Weather

I kissed a falling leaf today

I had no feelings of dismay

The sky was blue, my heart was true

What a beautiful thing to do

 

No, seriously. A leaf hit me in the mouth on my walk home today. It was neat.

People

I love Phil. He is the best person ever. I just want to absorb his being into my own because I can't ever get quite enough of him.

Oh yes. He pisses me off sometimes and hurts my feelings, but still. He's is amazing. I am exquisitely lucky to have ended up meeting him by chance.

But that doesn't mean I love Kelsie or Brooke any less. I couldn't ask for a better best friend or sister. Just wanted to let everyone I love know that I don't take them for granted, and please don't underestimate how much I appreciate our friendship and love.

Ok, you can stop puking now. I love you guys.

Labor Day

Yesterday was labor day, and Phil, Kelsie, and I attended a party at my parents house. It was quite an eventful day.

First, Phil and I decided to ride flying turtles to Little Rock, and whoa! was that a bad idea. Turtles in the sky aren't any faster than turtles on the ground.  Phil's completely ran out of energy around Mayflower, so we just ditched them there, and swam down the Arkansas river until we got to my parent's house.

Turns out Kelsie drove, and that seemed to work out ok, so we're gonna try that next time. And when we got there, Mom had invited the old neighbors from across the street, which I thought was SO inconsiderate! Kelsie is totally afraid of clowns!!! Especially when they come in threes. She was nice about it though.

So, we hung out for a while, waiting on the food to be ready, and Kelsie would not stop eating! She was just digging her hands in all the food, and shoving it in her mouth. She even ate ribs and macaroni and cheese! It was totally wack. Then she left to go to rehearsal (thank god or she would've eaten everything!)

Then we ate, and Phil's mom made fairydust cherry pie, and it was excellent. Katie's mac and cheese was something supernatural for sure!

Then Phil and I went and got stoned in Matt's rocket, which was fun because I've never been in a rocket before, much less stoned. Then we got out and my Dad and Cassidy went for a ride too.

Then we played beer pong, but instead of using a ping pong table and ping pong balls, we played on naked women with ping pong ball sized rubies and emeralds. And I was really impressed when the naked women didn't complain if someone accidentally threw a ruby into a particularly tender spot.

Then we all ate again. Then Phil and I went back to is place.

                                          The End