I'm Not Angry Anymore

I haven't updated in forever! And my perspective on things has really improved, so I should.

Well, It's week five of this semester, and as you all know, I came back in a huge funk. I was sooo angry at everyone for this school not working out: myself, ADA, some of the students, etc. But really, I am incredibly grateful that I ended up back here.

I was really angry and judgmental about several of my classmates, and it did NOT dissipate over the break. I expected it to because I wasn't around them, but I was really holding a grudge! And it turns out that all I needed was to come back, talk to some of them, or just be around them to realize that of course none of them are perfect but that they are generally very nice people that I am glad to know.

Some of my classes have improved, others have gotten worse. I am so pleased and surprised by my slow but steady progress. My voice and physical skills are certainly better than they were when I arrived! And the projects that I have been/am/will be working on are worth it. All things considered I am pretty optimistic about my life right now.

Am I sticking with the program after this semester? Very unlikely. All of the old problems are still in the back of my mind, there are new ones, and frankly, I just wanna be back in the states with my dog in my own life. Although, I am getting pretty confident with my italian communication, as pathetic as it is, and am starting to enjoy getting out in Italy more.

In the next couple of weeks I'll be doing a lot of cool things. Mom and Dad will be here in like 8 days, and we're going to Rome, Pompei, Venice, and Cinque Terre at least. They'll get to see me perform a short piece based on Edgar Allen Poe's, The Raven. Then the semester's end will be here before I know it. Phil has accepted a job with the Accademia for the months of May and June. While he works, I am hoping to write a play and maybe take the intensive class here? Then we're going to do a quick tour of Paris, Amsterdam, and such. Then, I think we might move back to the states.

So, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my optimism is due in part to the fact that I know that I am going to be moving back after this so that I can go to a more legitimate graduate school. Whatever it is though, it feels good to not feel so down aaalll the time.

Just Can't Figure Me Out

i know not what to do.

my foot into what shoe?

Surely surety shall show

by the time it's time to go.

did you notice all my poems seem

to end up with the same rhyme scheme

seriously, what in the world

am i to do with this girl?

each choice holds too many risks

and my decisions are all based on ifs

what if i give up on this

and then no one else gives a piss

i'll start all over again

and maybe not reach the right end

hey this school isn't right

but why do i always fight

when things aren't quite what i need

you'd think that i like to bleed

i just wish something would fall

and make my decision end-all.

One Month In

Ahh. I have free time and energy right now! Incredible.

So, I've been in grad school for about a month now. We're down two students, and I wonder if everyone else will last sometimes. One left because his mom had returning cancer. He was an only child, she an only parent, so he left. Another left because she sucked at everything, left her husband in the states, and had a serious mental imbalance. So, now we have 12 and I couldn't be happier with the number.

Classes are going well! The first two weeks were very difficult, but I am adjusting to being in class all the time, and already our work is more advanced and therefore more interesting. My weakest class is probably Movement. However, I am by no means the weakest, a fact that really helps me move forward. If I am ever the worst at anything, I am usually unable to improve because embarrassment prevents me from spending to much thought on it. I am not the weakest at anything! And I would say I am one of the strongest in Acting. I am also taking Voice, Music (which I also kinda suck ass at, but not the worst!), Italian, and Philosophy. Philosophy is pretty interesting. We are studying comedy throughout history, beginning with the role of the body in it all since this is a Physical Theatre Program.

I am tired of wearing movement clothes all the time, and I don't think my body looks any differently despite all the working out. There is a crazy little dog named Ubu that belongs to the founding director whom I have taken a liking to despite his severe, unprecedented mood swings. He greeted me this morning, tail wagging, and then after my last class he growled like a demon-possessed at me until I left the courtyard. Darwin would be much loved here...

Phil and I are going to England in a couple weeks. One of my classmates is from there, and we can stay at her parent's house in Manchester for free. Should be pretty interesting. Louise (the English one) laughed hysterically at the expiration phrase on my credit card: "Good Thru." I guess that is weird to her...

Today is Phil's 30th birthday, and I threw a surprise party for him last night that was pretty fun. He is enjoying his Electric Bike and he enjoyed our trip to Rome. Both were for his birthday. He is doing pretty well, and isn't horribly bored alllllll the time. I wish he had more for himself here that would make him less bored/static, but mostly I am just so damn grateful that he is here. For me, life here is wonderful. Free food, free housing, and I thrive in learning environments. I rarely miss America, Chicago, or Little Rock (perhaps also because I rarely have time to). I would love for my family to come visit though. Just to get a perspective on what this is like. And I can't wait to come home for Christmas! For like 5 weeks or something!

So, basically to wrap this up, I am doing well. Love you all!

As Expected, This Shit is a Roller Coaster Ride

First, let me get a beer. Or perhaps just some nutella. I do have an Italian quiz tomorrow. I'll just settle for some pesca te (peach tea).

So. Week one of grad school has gone by, and I would say I enjoyed about 50% of class time more or less. The after class activities last week were great though. One night was spent watching films from my movement teacher's past work, another was dinner at the founding director's (from Little Rock) huge villa, and the last was a surprisingly enjoyable student "show-off-time" caberet.

Class though... is proving.... somewhat unpleasant sometimes. Now, I describe this to you from a decidedly pessimistic mood, so take it for what it's worth.

First of all, classes are loooong. At least two hours, sometimes four. Because of this, I have consistently reached a time during class where I say to myself, "how much longer?" I get bored. Or frustrated. But because I must continue and cannot leave, I generally fall back into things for a time before I again think, "is it over yet?" Plus, all of my teachers tend to run over for a few minutes. Very annoying.

Secondly, my faith in the institution has both strengthened and wavered. Strengthened in the sense that I am more sure than ever that the faculty are truly experts in their fields and well-versed in teaching their techniques. This does not mean that I am always interested in the topics of study, but I am sure that they are not making it up at least. Now, on the wavering front, the administrative side of things is constantly crumbling; unexpected meetings, costs, and requirements pop up every other day or so. For example, we owe the school some surprise security deposit for the spaces we are using. Also, the other student's housing has turned out to be less than satisfactory (thank god I'm not in that boat). One student quit before we began, and so the students living with him will have to cover the cost of his absence. Our study abroad in Torino is very complicated because we have an odd number of students, and so everyone wants a cheap room, but that isn't possible. So, unjustly, someone is just going to get stuck paying at least 130 euro more than they others to live in Torino. And so on and so forth...

Finally, I have come to suspect that the students chosen to study here for this first round of the MFA program were in some part chosen simply because they were interested. Some are so far behind in simple physical theatre technique that extra class time must regularly be spent solely on them, others are actually so out of tune with their body that they accidentally hurt other students. They are really sucky pretty much, and because of that I feel deceived. I trusted that they wouldn't allow any students into the program that wouldn't excel, but clearly that isn't the case. And about half of them are overweight. Not necessarily out of shape, but definitely not in shape. I fear that I might have been one of their top picks.... and to me, that doesn't speak well to the options they had at auditions. I actually despise one classmate so much that we he comes near me in class, I am repulsed. And I am forced to partner with him regularly! And because there is an odd number, I am often forced to be in a trio with him while the others get to spend more time practicing in their pairs...

I know I am being shallow, and that it is me who has the problem, but I am becoming increasingly judgemental of certain classmates seemingly out of my control! I can't seem to turn it off or view the positive things about these people (BC THEY HAVE NONE).

There are some classmates that are ok, but no one is really sticking out to me as cool. I am eternally grateful that my best friend is here. I can vent to him and that is great. Otherwise I would be venting to my classmates, and I don't want to bring my negativity into the mix.

Oh, also, last week the one classmate I despise (simply for his all around awkwardness, blandness, lack of sense of humor, and constant "tips") had to go to the hosipital in the middle of the night for "kidney stones" (that mysteriously have disappeared now), and Phil took the heat for not helping him get there more. Now, first of all Phil did exactly as he was instructed-- call Monica-- and just because she was unreachable, he was supposed to know what to do on his 5th day of work? Plus, the repulsive dude lives an hour away and right next to the hospital. Just. go. to. the. fucking. hospital. DUH. Do you need Phil's permission? Anyway, so there was a flurry of administrative bloopers the following day due to that. These people need extra staff to take care of the non-academic side of things.

The plus side of teletubby (my nickname for the repulsive one) going to the hospital in the middle of the night was his absence in class the following day. Ah... bliss. If only he would quit. Or someone would! This 13 things bothers me both because of its history as an unlucky number, and its constant awkwardness when we need to get into groups of two or three.

Anyway, I am not feeling super excited about anything right now. Except the delicious food that is served here three times a day! Spring rolls for lunch today was awesome.

So, I better put the pesca te back into the fridge, shower, and start on my plethora of Italian homework.

Ciao, bitches.

Joyfull

Have I ever felt inspired as often as now?

This place, these teachers, these people. I am wrapped in comfort, like a baby who is ready to take his first step. I feel like this may be the first, the only time where I have ever felt like I can do anything, and whatever I do, it will be rejoiced.

This first week of classes has been full of its ups and downs. I am so sore, so tired. Yet, when I'm happy I'm flying so high. This isn't perfect. It's sometimes perfunctory, but most of all it's provactive.

I can't wait until the next caberet (which I abhorred the thought of until tonight). I am really going to try something new that I have always wanted to try. This community is such a joy.

Now, I'm exhausted. Good night!

arezzo

sweet nectarines, sweaty skins, bruised shins

scrotums

sunset vistas, villas, aperitivos

spritz

tuscan etruscan ball-bustin

no traffic cops or sidewalks

duomos, do you know?

arezzo

First Impressions

Was there ever a time in your life when you couldn't wait to be surrounded by people you didn't know because you longed for new companions? Not saying that your current friends weren't enough or sucked, but did you ever anticipate meeting new people-- making new friends?

I have. Once before when I entered undergrad, I was so anxious for the new friends I would make! Because I had focused so much of my attention on Richard, I wasn't close to anyone except him, and I wanted to meet new people and form new bonds. That way, if anything ever happened to our relationship, I would have people to turn to. And I did make the best friends I have ever had. First, I made lasting relationships with my dorm-mates, then with the people who grew with me in theatre. I fucking love those people.

It's also how I was looking forward to meeting my fellow MFAers in Italy. NOT saying that my friends in Chicago weren't cool because I loved them dearly. I was hoping to connect with people whom I could collaborate with, make art with, and laugh with-- I was hoping to re-meet my friends from undergrad in new bodies. How could I be so naive? I should have known that these people would be different. First of all, we're all adults and have established who we are. Secondly, we all come from different places with a wide-variety of backgrounds. I should have known that there would be no Kelsie-- how could anyone ever replicate her? There is no Chad, no Taylor, no Harvey, no Sharon. All the people I love live in the states and their personalities do not coexist in someone else's body here.

Here are my first impressions of my 12 (oh actually have only met 11 so far...) fellow classmates. I will not name names, label genders, or speak in depth for fear that they stumble upon this. I truly don't want to hurt their feelings, but I do want to record my first impressions. So, in a word:

1. Very Pompous

2. Brash

3. Naive

4. Flaky

5. Kat Guyer/Teletubby (had to do two!)

6. Shy

7. Snooty

8. Arrogant

9. Obtrusive

10. Cool/Friendly

11. Positive

What is their first impression of me? People always say it is so important, but I remember meeting Lacy, Doug, Harvey, etc. and my first impression of them really didn't matter in the end. It was just a funny topic of conversation.

They probably think I'm too... involved in Phil. We really do spend all of our time together, and I often blow off hanging out with them to stay home with him. But can you blame me? From my discriptions, I'm not really clicking with everyone to the max.

I'm not really concerned though. Class starts Monday, and aside from several bumps in the administrative road I am very much looking forward to this. I will try to keep you up-to-date about what techniques we are studying, but not go into too much jargon-y detail. As we learn, we will grow closer and learn about one another beyond the surface. I do very much hope that I can click with them though. It will be very difficult to create the kind of art I want to without being able to collaborate with competent, inspirational peers.

Anyway, enough shallowness. Buona Notte! Did I say that right?