Running for my Life

Wow! Check out my map of the run I did today. Hardcore and incredibly beautiful. I was scared going into it because I hadn't run through part of it before and I was afraid I would get lost, but it was great! That is officially the farthest I have ever run. Not to mention at about mile 2 there is a series of intense hills.

This blog is titled Running for my Life because I feel like running has been one of the only things these past few weeks in Italy that has kept me from having a total mental breakdown. I know it's supposed to be beautiful to be in a foreign country with nothing to do but contemplate why the birds sing so sweetly, but for me boredom was suffocating. When I get up in the morning and start my day with a 5k, I feel motivated. I don't just sit around and watch TV or facebook all day. I feel powerful, and I feel like I can write. It helps my body, yes. But more importantly, running helps my mind.

To Whom It May Concern

This is the latest poem I wrote for our ensemble project that we semi-successfully performed in a huge, old theatre in Cortona. It was the opening dialogue that all the actors "read" from letters that they were writing. It was a short play with six actors that loosely explored the difficulty of writing down your true feelings for someone you love. It was very well received, but it was an incredibly trying process creating it. All of the actors cast had different backgrounds and ideas on how to create theatre, and unfortunately several of them had never attempted to create theatre with other people before. Man, we're talking DRAMA-- and I don't theatrical literature... (Sigh) I'm very happy it's over. And I'm proud of us for completing it. So anyway, below is the poem that I wrote for it.


To Whom It May Concern:

I keep pressing my pen, tip weeping ink,
against this paper to share what I think,
to write down the words I cannot speak.
But each word I write, I crush with critique.
Clumsy, witless, miserable.
Ideas are worth nothing when words emerge dull.
My endeavor seems fruitless, no letter have I
To give to you, the apple of my eye.

Yours truly

To Darwin

grief comes in waves
like ocean holidays
alive, you're not dead
sleeping in someone else's bed
rejection scalds like coals
burning tiny hot heart holes
it's cold like your cold cold nose,
or the Chicago breeze on my toes
i miss you but you don't miss me
something i never would have believed
but damn you all
god damn you all
I have something to say
God help you if you stand in my way

This is My Bridge.

The stones I stood on
I can see them far below
under the roots of the trees of the ideas that I have grown
They are crumbled and broken
But I can still see what they used to be

I want to stand on stones again
I thought I always would
But now I stand on sticks not bricks
they creak and crack
A flimsy bridge swaying as my passage rocks it

If I focus on the sun I can almost believe
My feet are on solid ground
The wind rustling my smiles
carrying butterflies for miles and miles
A stolid staircase to my destiny

But the partially cloudy is always with me
and I can't help but hear the crack of this flimsy bridge
Phil wishes I would just get off and walk with him
But I wanna be on the bridge.
I want to cross it.
I wish it were made of stronger stuff, but still
I need it.

Inside of my belly there is a swirling black bog
howling
indecipherable syllables of encouragement and doubt and woe
bubbling
I lance the boil
Release the steaming, streaming need to know what to do about this damn path I'm on.

But then I must stuff it back in
For this is my bridge
And I am sorry
Because only I can get off of it.
Or not.
But this is my Bridge.
And I know I asked and begged for your help climbing.
and I always will.
But this is my bridge.
And I must stand on it alone.

I'm Not Angry Anymore

I haven't updated in forever! And my perspective on things has really improved, so I should.

Well, It's week five of this semester, and as you all know, I came back in a huge funk. I was sooo angry at everyone for this school not working out: myself, ADA, some of the students, etc. But really, I am incredibly grateful that I ended up back here.

I was really angry and judgmental about several of my classmates, and it did NOT dissipate over the break. I expected it to because I wasn't around them, but I was really holding a grudge! And it turns out that all I needed was to come back, talk to some of them, or just be around them to realize that of course none of them are perfect but that they are generally very nice people that I am glad to know.

Some of my classes have improved, others have gotten worse. I am so pleased and surprised by my slow but steady progress. My voice and physical skills are certainly better than they were when I arrived! And the projects that I have been/am/will be working on are worth it. All things considered I am pretty optimistic about my life right now.

Am I sticking with the program after this semester? Very unlikely. All of the old problems are still in the back of my mind, there are new ones, and frankly, I just wanna be back in the states with my dog in my own life. Although, I am getting pretty confident with my italian communication, as pathetic as it is, and am starting to enjoy getting out in Italy more.

In the next couple of weeks I'll be doing a lot of cool things. Mom and Dad will be here in like 8 days, and we're going to Rome, Pompei, Venice, and Cinque Terre at least. They'll get to see me perform a short piece based on Edgar Allen Poe's, The Raven. Then the semester's end will be here before I know it. Phil has accepted a job with the Accademia for the months of May and June. While he works, I am hoping to write a play and maybe take the intensive class here? Then we're going to do a quick tour of Paris, Amsterdam, and such. Then, I think we might move back to the states.

So, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my optimism is due in part to the fact that I know that I am going to be moving back after this so that I can go to a more legitimate graduate school. Whatever it is though, it feels good to not feel so down aaalll the time.

Just Can't Figure Me Out

i know not what to do.

my foot into what shoe?

Surely surety shall show

by the time it's time to go.

did you notice all my poems seem

to end up with the same rhyme scheme

seriously, what in the world

am i to do with this girl?

each choice holds too many risks

and my decisions are all based on ifs

what if i give up on this

and then no one else gives a piss

i'll start all over again

and maybe not reach the right end

hey this school isn't right

but why do i always fight

when things aren't quite what i need

you'd think that i like to bleed

i just wish something would fall

and make my decision end-all.

One Month In

Ahh. I have free time and energy right now! Incredible.

So, I've been in grad school for about a month now. We're down two students, and I wonder if everyone else will last sometimes. One left because his mom had returning cancer. He was an only child, she an only parent, so he left. Another left because she sucked at everything, left her husband in the states, and had a serious mental imbalance. So, now we have 12 and I couldn't be happier with the number.

Classes are going well! The first two weeks were very difficult, but I am adjusting to being in class all the time, and already our work is more advanced and therefore more interesting. My weakest class is probably Movement. However, I am by no means the weakest, a fact that really helps me move forward. If I am ever the worst at anything, I am usually unable to improve because embarrassment prevents me from spending to much thought on it. I am not the weakest at anything! And I would say I am one of the strongest in Acting. I am also taking Voice, Music (which I also kinda suck ass at, but not the worst!), Italian, and Philosophy. Philosophy is pretty interesting. We are studying comedy throughout history, beginning with the role of the body in it all since this is a Physical Theatre Program.

I am tired of wearing movement clothes all the time, and I don't think my body looks any differently despite all the working out. There is a crazy little dog named Ubu that belongs to the founding director whom I have taken a liking to despite his severe, unprecedented mood swings. He greeted me this morning, tail wagging, and then after my last class he growled like a demon-possessed at me until I left the courtyard. Darwin would be much loved here...

Phil and I are going to England in a couple weeks. One of my classmates is from there, and we can stay at her parent's house in Manchester for free. Should be pretty interesting. Louise (the English one) laughed hysterically at the expiration phrase on my credit card: "Good Thru." I guess that is weird to her...

Today is Phil's 30th birthday, and I threw a surprise party for him last night that was pretty fun. He is enjoying his Electric Bike and he enjoyed our trip to Rome. Both were for his birthday. He is doing pretty well, and isn't horribly bored alllllll the time. I wish he had more for himself here that would make him less bored/static, but mostly I am just so damn grateful that he is here. For me, life here is wonderful. Free food, free housing, and I thrive in learning environments. I rarely miss America, Chicago, or Little Rock (perhaps also because I rarely have time to). I would love for my family to come visit though. Just to get a perspective on what this is like. And I can't wait to come home for Christmas! For like 5 weeks or something!

So, basically to wrap this up, I am doing well. Love you all!