Before Takeoff

So, I'm moving to Italy in 8 days, and I wanted to record what this means to me and how I feel about it at just this moment. Perhaps one day I will check back, and I will think about how silly I was.

Lately I feel like no matter how hard I try to be positive and good, I am failing. You know how they say that some see the world through rose-colored glasses? Recently, I see the world through gray colored glasses. I can't appreciate the beauties around me, and I can't appreciate this time with friends and family. And though, of course, I feel this way once in a while all the time, this negative sludge has been creeping around in my sight and spirit for too long now. The only reason I can figure is that I am afraid.

Whether or not that has to do with my cynicism, I am certain that I am full of fear right now. I have already involved myself in something so much larger than anything else before, and I am speeding ever faster towards my chosen fate everyday. A week from tomorrow I begin my journey. Am I ready? NO! I haven't packed, I haven't finished my school work, I have no idea where I stand with my financial aid or my cell phone plans, or even my vegitarianism! There is so very much that I must do, and because this is my dream and I am an adult, I must do it all on my own.

Which is fine. I can do it. Don't doubt that. I am just experiencing a little trepidation... and panic. And I find myself wishing more than ever now that Phil shared this dream of mine. Then we could pump each other up, and it would be ok for me to be so afraid. But when I tell him of my fear, he worries that I've made the wrong decision for us both. And I need to be strong for him. This is my choice, and he beautifully chose to stick with me. So, I owe him that at least.

So full of awe that I will be somewhere I always dreamed of next week. And not temporarily. Chicago changed me SO much. Spending these past few weeks in Arkansas has shown me that! So, what will Italy do? I'll be there a year longer than I was in Chicago perhaps. Who will I be when I attain my MFA? Who will Phil be? I have no doubts right now that we will be together in the end. We are wonderful together. He is the pepper to my salt and the wind in my leaves. Maybe we will grow to be the super couple that Maggie predicted we would.

So, this week is the final countdown before my mind is blown from the experience that is Europe. And I have a lot to prepare and prepare for. I plan to record my experience across the sea on this blog, so please keep reading. I know I'm required to keep a journal for class, so some retrospective acting jargon may leak in every once in a while.

Wish me buona fortunas! Did I say that right?