Home for the Holidays

Christmas and the Holidays are such a wonderful time of the year.  But though they are beautiful, they are also painful.  Beyond the simultaneous joy of giving gifts and the pain of an empty wallet, Christmas is a reminder of who you were.  You return home, maybe just to your parent's house, for me to my home town, and you that causes you to reflect on your past and also, what you've accomplished.  I've been on such a journey since moving away from Arkansas three years ago. I'm not who I used to be, so who am I now? And where am I? Am I where I thought I would be at this point. Not at all. I don't have a successful acting career in Chicago or a Masters of Fine Arts from Italy.  But ultimately I'm proud of what I've done, and what I am doing now.  Pleased, but poignant.

Plus, there is always a little bit of longing in everyone to go back home, and really to go back in time and live the beauties of the past.  Visiting at Christmas brings these feelings to the forefront of your mind as you visit old haunts and old friends. At home, life is comfortable and the relationships you have with people extend so long into years past.  I miss those easy times with those easy friendships.

And this may seem petty, but catching up with people requires listing your recent accomplishments.  What are they?  Are they good enough?  Not for your old friends or family, but for you.  Accomplishments don't always mean a lot to people, but they mean a lot to me.  So, as you assess your current life, you wonder about the future, and if you're on the right path.  Are you working hard enough?  Is it worth it?

As I think about the parties and wonderful times to come this week, I simultaneously smile and am sad.  For, what I have lost cannot be regained. And I guess... I really wouldn't want it to.  That's part of the smiles. That I still have people that I love no matter how far we are from one another 360 days a year.

I'm so much more alone in Chicago than I am in Little Rock, or even than I was in Italy.  Actually, I was almost never alone in Italy because people were always stopping by and knocking on my window for something (very bothersome at the time!).  Will I ever form the kind of family in Chicago that I have in those places?  I have 3 or 4 families in the world, and my Chicago family is a bit more distant, busier, independent. I'm lonely I guess. And ready to come home for the holidays where there is an abundance of love and cheer.

Thus, my simultaneous excitement, pleasure, and pain.  Christmas is such a complicated time of the year.

Inner Body Experience

Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? You know, where you are watching yourself walk around and do stuff like pick your nose? Yeah, me neither. But! last night I had a rather interesting "inner body experience."  What does this mean, Courtney? What is this like? Well, I'm sure you've all experienced it on some level before; maybe when you are laying in bed trying to sleep but you can't.  You realize there is a disconnect between how tired your body is and how your mind is awake and unable to sleep.  Last night this happened to me, but in a very powerful and distinct way.  My body was laying there, and my mind, my personality, my brain and soul were floating around, trapped, inside of my skull.  

This is particularly interesting to me because ever since I began more advanced acting training, the idea of NO separation between your mind and body is thrown at you all the time. And I genuinely believe it to be true in many ways--- when you're stressed, you feel it physically for example.  

So, here I was having this complete awareness of my "self" alive and awake and moving, and it was inside of this body that was very tired.  I could still move my limbs and stuff, but that was the body portion of my "self."  Very hard to conceptualize.

This morning I went to a free class of Hot Yoga.  If you haven't heard of Hot Yoga before (also called Bikram Yoga for the guy who invented it), it's basically doing yoga in a 100 degree room.  And when it's 16 degrees outside, this temperature difference is dramatic, trust me!  So, I have a week of free classes at this studio 5 minutes away from my house, and I wanted to start off with Hot Yoga, because I've taken it before, and it made me feel very powerful. I get there early, lay on the ground to acclimate my body to temperature, and try to relax into my breathing.  But I was way too excited for this class to really relax! So, when the teacher comes in, she says, "Whatever has happened to you this morning, let it roll off of you."  Well, I had a lovely morning, so I had nothing to release. But then she said, "Think of whoever you want to dedicate the next 75 minutes to, and give yourself to them."  Well, this may sound selfish, but I knew immediately that this slice of time would be wholeheartedly dedicated to one half of myself: my body (which isn't really selfish considering the separation we had just experienced. Did I say we? Uh...).  Class was tough, as your first few classes of Hot Yoga are supposed to be.  It's just so hot, and the intense breathing rhythm makes you get really lightheaded and sometimes nauseous.  So, I had to sit out several times, but then you just get back up and join in. It was great-- a real workout, and also not a workout at all.  It's all about stretching, and challenging yourself, but not about doing the right steps or breathing really hard.  I loved it. I am totally addicted.  Plus, the teacher comes over to correct your positioning with lovely massage like touches.  Ahh...

At the end, after working so hard for my body, you lay on the ground with the lights off and just breath.  Which feels oh-so-good. And the teacher came over and massaged the center of my forehead, which I know is some sort of chakra, and instantly my "self", my mind, woke up!  It was like she pushed a button.  And my mind was buzzing with energy and satisfaction.  It glowed.  It was remarkable.

And now all day I've felt mentally ecstatic! My body is a little tired, and I'll be a little sore, but hopefully I can go back tomorrow.  Afterall, the free week only last for 6 more days, and I sure as hell can't afford the whole membership yet. So, I better enjoy the heat while I can.  Next time I want to try Vinyasa though...