First of all, Happy Halloween. Today, I am depressed.
Life in Chicago has been chugging along pretty steadily upward. It was really tough for a while because Phil and I were struggling to pay the bills and didn't have very many friends. I auditioned and auditioned with no success, sometime putting myself into compromising situations. When I got my full-time job at the Nature Museum things started picking up. I've made great friends now, I love(d) my job, I am gaining footing so that I have more flexibility to pursue my passion, and I have started taking some really great classes and forging connections with new theatre people that I really respect. I have had to really assess my desire to be an artist this year because I have finally had to face the reality of "the biz." However many times I have descended to giving up my dreams, I step back up with a new perspective. I have become really selective about who and what I audition for, and though that doesn't mean I am more successful, it does mean that I am no longer being treated like an fool that doesn't deserve to be respected. Most of the time...
My job laid off 30% of its staff this month. Some really good friends of mine were abruptly sent packing, and it has been a hard road with out them. My baby, my brand-new all-mine early childhood program that I (with help from my colleagues) birthed and raised to a very successful level was cancelled yesterday. Now, my job is kinda empty. The program was really hard at times, and part of me is relieved. But I know that we are just getting jerked around by this crazy, self-absorbed lady with a vision and a passion for advancing the careers of her friends. I had an interview with the Shedd Aquarium this morning. Very informal. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. I am not even sure I want the position, but I need to pay the bills. My job isn't very stable right now.
Perhaps this is for the best though. I could have easily seen myself staying at the Nature Museum for years. Now, with the help of some recent inspirational classes, I feel the push to pursue what I really want. And I finally think I know what the next step is to achieve that.
I have decided, for sure, that I want to go the grad school for an MFA in Acting. I want to do this so that I can either start my own company after graduation that creates the kind of theatre that I think is the ultimate OR so that I can be an acting professor for a school. I know that's what I want. I mean, I have even been thinking about what my lesson plans would be. I am an incredible teacher, and I want the support and freedom to create. And I want to share with people the theraputic, uplifting, amazing feeling that is acting with truth. But I also really want to work with an ensemble of people that I respect to make art that is relevant and truthful and magical.
So, I need to go back to school. Which i didn't even realize for sure that I would ever do until like, now. Because now I am sure. For sure.
So, now I'm totally FREAKED out because it is fucking hard to get into grad school. And my confidence is way low because I never get jobs here. But I know that I stand out in my classes, so I know it's possible. But I am scaaaaaaared. I really, really, really wanna get my degree in physical theatre. It's something I am really passionate about. I want to go to Dell'Arte in Blue Lake, CA the most. It's a really new program, and it's in some crazy rural town, but it's curriculum is absolutely dreamy. Obviously, I want to go to a great school though, so I'm going to pursue the best of the best. (Damn I'm scared)
That clown class + the fact that my job is collapsing has really pushed me to do this. I have just really learned lately that life is for living to the fullest, and that means doing what you would kill to do.
As a side note, I was tired of compromising my appearance for acting when I never get work anyway, so I got a tattoo... on my arm. Now, I'm freaking out because it was really impulsive and now its there forever. I mean, I love it, but holy shit! I am actress! Whatever, it's who I am and I want to live life truly living it. Experiencing what I am passionate about.
So, that's what's up with me. Phil and I are doing great, and we're in this together thank god. Our anniversary is Monday. Three years! I love you guys who read this. You're my friends/family and you mean a lot to me.
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