Lately, I wake up every morning, think about what I have to do and immediately feel a stone drop into my stomach at the day's prospects. I am so unhappy.
I've been unhappy for months actually. However, I don't think that I am depressed. I just think that I don't have all the components in my life to be a happy person. I have been disillusioned, jaded, and stressed, and I have no idea how to turn things around. I am utterly exhausted by trying to make my life better, and I don't know how or want to try to fix things.
First, it was living alone in Italy, with nothing to fill my time. Something I was looking forward to at first, then quickly became oppressive. Then, I lived in Arkansas, in a state of waiting for Chicago, isolated without a car. Then, it was Chicago. No money, trying to support Phil with this job where I work from home. Now, almost a year later, I am still filled with unhappiness. My job is definitely part of it. Working from home has been a rollercoaster for me. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it is stressful, boring, and I lack the social contact I need. Plus, I recently started teaching with the classes I have been writing, and I as I suspected they don't work at all. I've lost all respect for my boss, and I have no desire to do the work that was always hard to motivate myself to do anyway.
Theatre has been a big disappointment for me too. I give up. I don't want to act anymore, I refuse to put myself through anymore auditions for crappy projects, and I don't have the confidence anymore anyway. And even though I am pushing it away, I constantly, without control, think about it. I see someone turn their head or wiggle their foot, a cross-eyed person on the train, a balloon floating through the sky--- all of these things inspire me, and I immediately see the possibilities for a story to tell. I want to let it go, and I can't, and it hurts me.
I should be looking for apartments to move away from this rather toxic environment I live in now, or I should be working on revising all of the sucky ass classes that I wrote, and I don't want to because I just don't want to do anything anymore. It never turns out well anyway.
I've been unhappy in different places in my life, but I always found it sort of bearable if I could work toward fixing things. At the Nature Museum, I found solace in looking for theatre work or applying for grad school-- an escape from the direction my life was taking me. At the Accademia, I was content once I decided to quit and move on. Even if I found the standards of the school and my classmates detestable, I knew the solution was to leave, and that's what I would do. But now, I don't know what to do. Do I still want to go to graduate school for Acting when I can't even bear the thought of it? If I don't, what can I do? I don't know what I want from my future, and it's filled me with apathy and hopelessness.
And I'm sitting in the darkness that fills my apartment even though the sun hasn't set, and I feel like there is nothing for days to look forward to. Nothing. I'm totally lost, and I don't know how to find my way. And I feel like I've been searching forever...
All I can see ahead is darkness.
